I feel like i should do some sort of end of year retrospective on the year's radio output before i do the Jopi Awards in the new year. This is going to start off taking the form of an end of term report, but will probably lose that structure and disappear up its own backside before i finish.
Form: The British Broadcasting Corporation's Radio One service
Programme: Dev, early breakfast Mon-Fri
I didn't warm to Dev when he first started on Radio 1. I found his output very weak local commerial radio fodder and his attitude to the content of the show very passive. Sixteen months on and i'm still not a big fan, but he has clearly progressed on from his shaky beginnings. The problem remains that he is trying to come out of the shadow of the current golden child of Radio 1 namely Greg James, whose transition from the early breakfast slot to afternoons has been thoroughly solid. It has felt that Dev has spent a lot of the time trying to ape the antics and style of Greg James instead of trying to find his own voice.
Overall, B+ for effort and C for overall product.
Programme: The Christopher Moyles Show, breakfast Mon-Fri
Chris Moyles is becoming somewhat enigmatic to me. I've listened to a good number of his pre-Breakfast programmes over the year and been astounded at how edgy, fresh and exciting they are. Obviously it is easier to be anti-establishment when you're not on one of the most listened to programmes on the wireless, but it is starting to feel like Chris and the team are resting on their laurels a little. There is no doubt that the programme is incredibly well prepared and that Chris is still passionate about it, but the team on the whole are now family-orientated rather than being the collection of hungover party animals they were seven or eight years ago. The shows in the run up to Christmas were bordering on the irritating with the number of off-mic jokes that were spilling over into airtime without any explaination being given, or where there were giggles for the next quarter of an hour. Listeners don't mind that sort of thing every so often, but when it starts happening after every record and news bulletin, it starts to get infuriating.
2011 will be a challenging year for the Moyles show. Chris has already shown signs of becoming a little too much of a celebrity luvvy and with Comedy Dave taking part in celebrity backslapping exercise Dancing on Ice, the show could be pushed over the edge. The show needs to come back from its Christmas break on absolutely stellar form to avoid falling further into the mire.
I'll offer a B for both effort and overall product.
Programme: Fearne Cotton, mornings Mon-Fri
Where do i start? Fearne Cotton is still the most annoying of the mainstream presenters on Radio 1. Her banal obsessions with things that only pubescent teenagers should be concerned with (such as Twilight, Glee and the like) are pure radio pain. It doesn't help when she then buggers off for several weeks because she gets a better offer from the TV. I've got to admit, the continued existence of this programme has been the main reason i've been listening to Ken Bruce so much in the mornings.
Effort: D-, Overall G.
Programme: Gregory James, afternoons Mon-Fri
Greg James has settled in to afternoons in terrific style. It feels like the show is brimming over with ideas (Feet-up Friday, The Square, Ten Minute Takeover, The Alphabet Game) and the whole thing is executed in style. Radio 1 desperately needs more people with this sort of level of invention and they need more presenters who don't just make listeners turn off immediately (see Fearne Cotton, above). If this means not just putting people on the air because they're "him/her off the telly", then that can only be a good thing.
Effort: B, Overall A.
Programme: Scott Mills, drivetime Mon-Fri
Scott Mills' programme has been spending most of 2010 turning into three hours of oestrogen. Whilst i don't find sidekick Becky Huxtable particularly annoying, the two of them together can start to sound like they're texting each other using their mouths when they get excited. The show desperately needs the Chappers-style figure to keep some grumpy sense amongst the madness when they start to get carried away with being teenagers.
The structure of the show also feels like it has struggled since the guessing game quiz "Oh, Whats Occurring?" in the summer. It has gone a bit freeform since then and whilst a lot of the same content appears in the show as used to in OWO?, it no longer appears to have any point other than being a bit of fluff to be played with by a kitten.
Effort grade: C. Overall output: B-.
Programme: Zane Lowe, Mon-Thur evenings.
Zane Lowe's energy appears to be still as high as ever and his enthusiasm for music is permanently set to 11. Of course, he doesn't always have music good enough to match his level of enthusiasm, but that doesn't ever seem to worry him and he'll do the best with whatever he's got to work with. His voice stands as being unique amongst the daily presenters as actually holding some gravitas when talking about music.
Effort grade: A-, overall product: B+.
Radio 1 specialist shows:
Alex Metric.
Alex Metric deserves a mention here, despite the fact that he has now left the fold at Radio 1. His superb monthly show in the In New DJs We Trust strand has featured a superb collection of dance and electronica based music which should be part of the main Radio 1 playlist instead of the acres of American dreck it overheavily features. Alex Metric also has a stylish flair for on air presentation which i will miss.
Rob da Bank
Rob da Bank's Saturday morning chillout show is still fantastic. He has an ear for the off-beat which is unmatched on British radio and the show is superbly put together. Add Rob's chilled tones to the mix and you have an ideal show for the early morning shift.
Kutski
I'm something of a newcomer to Kutski's show after discovering it a month or so back. Its a terrific mix of energised hardcore dance and it has become a staple requirement of my weekly radio diet.
See? I got through the whole of the Radio 1 form report without mentioning how shit Sara Cox still is.
Form: The British Broadcasting Corporation's Radio Two service
Programme: Ken Bruce, Mon-Fri mornings
For those who simply cannot cope with Fearne Cotton (and there have got to be millions of you out there), Ken Bruce has what sounds like the most effortless programme on radio. The truth is probably that a mixture of 18 years of experience and a lot of background work make the show sound that brilliant. The focus of the show has shifted over recent years to offer a more eclectic mix of music, particularly in the slot after the Popmaster quiz from 10:30 to 11am.
I've got to be honest, i barely listen to anything else on Radio 2, except when Richard Allinson is covering for the dork of the people Steve Wright. Mention should also go to Alex Lester, who is still doing good work despite being pushed even further back in to the middle of the night since the departure of That Bloody Woman.
Form: The British Broadcasting Corporation's Six-Music digital audio service
Programme: Jon Holmes, Saturday Drivetime (Its a day when nobody is driving home from work on a station you mostly can't get in your car)
I rather like 6Music on a Saturday. Collins & Herring are good fun on the morning show and Richard Bacon's afternoon show is far better than it is given credit for being. The jewel in the crown is the organised weekly lunatic festival of Jon Holmes' show. Despite being on at a dreadful time of the week, it is well worth catching on Listen Again for not only Holmes' brilliant sense of humour but also the randomly superb 6Music playlist.
By far the edgiest daytime radio programme i've listened to all year, the only improvement it needs is for Jon to take fewer holidays...
Right, now i probably should mention these before i go to bed...
BBC Radio Bristol - Steve Yabsley: Still brilliantly funny and the new interview strand can be very informative.
Absolute Radio - Dave Gorman: The best 6Music show that isn't on 6Music and possibly the only reason to listen to Absolute Radio.
That'll have to do for now...
Tuesday 28 December 2010
Monday 22 November 2010
The "Stop the World" Moment
Every so often, a piece of music comes along which blows your mind and this for me is a "stop the world" moment. Very few of my favourite songs started out as favourites, it takes something really amazing for it to be instant for me. Then there is the other side of the coin, the "fuck me, this is terrible" moment.
At the moment, Jay-Z seems to be responsible for more airwave pollution than anybody else. The last Alicia Keys album was dreary, Beyonce hasn't done anything worthwhile since 2006 and all the while he's turning up new ever more shite artists at a rate not seen since Jonathan Rotem was doing it last year. The latest is brilliant, because she's already famous by default.
Willow Smith is the daughter of Will Smith. She's ten years old and has already been taught how to pout (see the Wikipedia picture if you don't believe me). Best of all, she's recorded a record called "Whip My Hair" on which she sings a bit between incessant blasts of an earworm so dumb that even Cher Lloyd would refuse it. Her singing isn't bad, just utterly banal. Its like having had a song written by Taylor Swift on a day when she's had writers block. She may as well be singing "tra-la-laa" all the way through.
So anyway, stop the world. I've had enough of this factory farmed American shit and i want to get off.
At the moment, Jay-Z seems to be responsible for more airwave pollution than anybody else. The last Alicia Keys album was dreary, Beyonce hasn't done anything worthwhile since 2006 and all the while he's turning up new ever more shite artists at a rate not seen since Jonathan Rotem was doing it last year. The latest is brilliant, because she's already famous by default.
Willow Smith is the daughter of Will Smith. She's ten years old and has already been taught how to pout (see the Wikipedia picture if you don't believe me). Best of all, she's recorded a record called "Whip My Hair" on which she sings a bit between incessant blasts of an earworm so dumb that even Cher Lloyd would refuse it. Her singing isn't bad, just utterly banal. Its like having had a song written by Taylor Swift on a day when she's had writers block. She may as well be singing "tra-la-laa" all the way through.
So anyway, stop the world. I've had enough of this factory farmed American shit and i want to get off.
Friday 19 November 2010
Meanwhile on the Light Programme...
Perhaps Radio 1's obsession with bland dubstep is finally getting to me or perhaps its just the sort of thing that goes in cycles, but i've been listening to Radio 2 a bit more recently.
It all started when i was trying to find something better than Fearne Cotton between the end of Chris Moyles at 10am and the start of Kisstory at 11am on Kiss 101. I rediscovered my love of obscure pop trivia with Ken Bruce's Popmaster quiz which is good fun for musical anoraks, although can be a bit cringeworthy as every caller says hello to "everyone who knows me", a la Victor Lewis-Smith's Local Radio sketch for Loose Ends.
Under normal circumstances, it would probably have ended there, but Radio 1 appear to have decided that Sara Cox is the perfect stand in for absolutely everybody on the weekday daytime schedule, the latest casualty being Scott Mills. Unfortunately the usual, almost tolerable twaddle that comes out of Mills and sidekick Becky becomes infuriating when Cox sits in. I started scanning around the radio for something else. Radio 2 is normally out because its Steve Wright and His Massive Ego with four hours of Craptoids in each three hour show. Kiss and Heart both suffer from the terrible ILR presenter syndrome.
This left me with Radio Bristol (which is intolerably bland during the afternoon), Jack (music driven and fairly varied) or Star. Now its been a very long time since i've listened to Star for anything over a few minutes and the first thing i noticed was how heavy with advertising and idents the programming is. Its a shame because the playlist is quite widely varied (unlike competitors Jack, they do actually play some new music from time to time) and the DJ (whom i believe to be Chris Criddle) was quite entertaining as opposed to the banal, opinionless cardboard that presents most ILR.
Anyway, that lasted for a few days before i discovered something important this Monday: Richard Allinson sitting in for Steve Wright all week.
There are substantial factions of people like me on t'internet who believe that Richard Allinson would have been a much better choice for the Radio 2 breakfast show than Chris Evans. I'm not sure if i entirely subscribe to this view, only for the selfish reason that it would mean he would have been on at the same time as Chris Moyles. But he should be on Radio 2 far more often, because Allinson is a friendly everyman that manages to be entertaining without being needlessly abrasive on the ears. He knows how to put a good radio show together and achieves this whenever he is given the opportunity. Before Saturday afternoons got given over to celebrities who would prefer doing TV rather than this pesky wireless stuff, Richard Allinson's show used to be a regular fixture in my listening week.
It almost goes without saying that this week, Radio 2's afternoons have been exceptionally good. Simon Mayo is also on rude form at the moment, back to his slightly spiky best that he was during his tenure as Radio 1's breakfast presenter. As long as you don't tune in before the end of the Right Wing Knee-Jerk Politics show with Jeremy Vine, its a perfectly amiable afternoon of programming. Just a shame that Steve Wright will inevitably come back. Perhaps he could do the same as That Bloody Woman* and go on holiday, never to return.
* - Sarah Kennedy, just in case you don't know.
It all started when i was trying to find something better than Fearne Cotton between the end of Chris Moyles at 10am and the start of Kisstory at 11am on Kiss 101. I rediscovered my love of obscure pop trivia with Ken Bruce's Popmaster quiz which is good fun for musical anoraks, although can be a bit cringeworthy as every caller says hello to "everyone who knows me", a la Victor Lewis-Smith's Local Radio sketch for Loose Ends.
Under normal circumstances, it would probably have ended there, but Radio 1 appear to have decided that Sara Cox is the perfect stand in for absolutely everybody on the weekday daytime schedule, the latest casualty being Scott Mills. Unfortunately the usual, almost tolerable twaddle that comes out of Mills and sidekick Becky becomes infuriating when Cox sits in. I started scanning around the radio for something else. Radio 2 is normally out because its Steve Wright and His Massive Ego with four hours of Craptoids in each three hour show. Kiss and Heart both suffer from the terrible ILR presenter syndrome.
This left me with Radio Bristol (which is intolerably bland during the afternoon), Jack (music driven and fairly varied) or Star. Now its been a very long time since i've listened to Star for anything over a few minutes and the first thing i noticed was how heavy with advertising and idents the programming is. Its a shame because the playlist is quite widely varied (unlike competitors Jack, they do actually play some new music from time to time) and the DJ (whom i believe to be Chris Criddle) was quite entertaining as opposed to the banal, opinionless cardboard that presents most ILR.
Anyway, that lasted for a few days before i discovered something important this Monday: Richard Allinson sitting in for Steve Wright all week.
There are substantial factions of people like me on t'internet who believe that Richard Allinson would have been a much better choice for the Radio 2 breakfast show than Chris Evans. I'm not sure if i entirely subscribe to this view, only for the selfish reason that it would mean he would have been on at the same time as Chris Moyles. But he should be on Radio 2 far more often, because Allinson is a friendly everyman that manages to be entertaining without being needlessly abrasive on the ears. He knows how to put a good radio show together and achieves this whenever he is given the opportunity. Before Saturday afternoons got given over to celebrities who would prefer doing TV rather than this pesky wireless stuff, Richard Allinson's show used to be a regular fixture in my listening week.
It almost goes without saying that this week, Radio 2's afternoons have been exceptionally good. Simon Mayo is also on rude form at the moment, back to his slightly spiky best that he was during his tenure as Radio 1's breakfast presenter. As long as you don't tune in before the end of the Right Wing Knee-Jerk Politics show with Jeremy Vine, its a perfectly amiable afternoon of programming. Just a shame that Steve Wright will inevitably come back. Perhaps he could do the same as That Bloody Woman* and go on holiday, never to return.
* - Sarah Kennedy, just in case you don't know.
Saturday 30 October 2010
Monsters, Demons and (to quote Vincent Kennedy McMahon) Bottom Feeders.
I haven't done any reviews for ages, but don't let that fool you in to thinking i don't care any more...
My Chemical Romance - Nanana
My first thoughts on hearing this were that MCR have done a cover version of Andrew WK's Party Hard and to be honest the whole thing has a bit of an AWK vibe running through it. The problem for me is that MCR have now done the whole overdramatic thing to death. It came to its peak with Welcome to the Black Parade and just feels a bit contrived now. Surely you can't be multi-millionaires and have that much teenage angst still going on?
Linkin Park - Waiting For The End
Now if My Chemical Romance sound like they're resting on their laurels and failing to make any innovation, this sounds so comparatively laid back and traditional that i first thought that it must a typo and supposed to say it was performed by Linkin Park's Dads. Apparently not. As soon as Cheerful Chester's vocals kick in, the whole thing is recognisable, but a bit off putting. If nothing else, it is an interesting departure for Linkin Park. I doubt it will win them many new fans, but could cost them quite a few existing ones if the whole album is this downtempo lark.
Interpol - Barricade
Another band who have noticably changed their sound are Interpol. Previously merchants of highly polished, snarling electro-indie-rock, new track Barricade sees them in a much more lo-fi mood without the layers of production.
Customs - Shut Up, Narcissus
Perhaps i've become so desperate to hear proper music that when i do hear something good, it sounds incredible. The endless wander of the British music industry towards Americanised reality show music and increasingly slimy R&B and Hip Hop originating from both sides of the Atlantic is now apparently unstoppable. Even when we come up with a decent act, they'll only get minimal airtime because they don't fit in with the specific genres that the zombified populous love. Hence the success of radio stations like Heart. ANYWAY. Customs are fucking brilliant and Shut Up, Narcissus is unbelievably superb, catchy, chorus led indie pop the likes of which we haven't heard for a very long time. Imagine if Editors were a really cheerful bunch and wanted a song to play at the end of a party so that everyone would remember it forever. That is how good this song is. Customs should be on the main playlist of every radio station in the country, including Radio 3, but because they're not ten year old girls singing about sex or from a reality show, we're not allowed to like them in the UK.
...and breathe...
Kings of Leon - Radioactive
Oh deep joy. The worlds most boring rock band is back. And their comeback single isn't actually very good, but still the Great British Media falls over themselves to proclaim them as the new Jesus. Radioactive a mid-tempo, middle of the road, average, bland, boring, tedious, uneventful and stagnant wander through the land of yawn. They've even put some boring water on the record cover.
Cheryl Cole - Promise This
The latest cacophony of stupid earworms starts as soon as the record does with all this tribal-chanting Alo-etta bollocks. What is really sad is that underneath there is almost a decent song trying to get out. Potentially a half decent bit of speed-pop, it is ruined by the needless addition of elements to appeal to idiots. Expect to hear officeworkers in the queue for lunch humming the earworm bit as a demonstration of how brainwashed they have become, much like they did with Katy Perry's California Gurls.
Mike Posner - Cooler Than Me
Officially the new Sara Bareilles, Mike Posner is the latest one hit wonder to come out of American daytime radio. Cooler Than Me is a monothemed synth laded song, but it works because its a fairly original idea and it is performed with conviction.
Rihanna - The Only Girl In The World
Even if you were, i still wouldn't listen to your records. You have the most horrible, whiny voice of anyone to have ever recorded themselves.
Roll Deep & Alesha Dixon - Take Control
Please stop now. Roll Deep have roped in Alesha Dixon for this entirely unneccessary record. Its another painfully awful tome about clubbing, partying and blah blah blah. The first one sounded forced and soulless and this is worse, just milking the joyless weekend routine of a generation who don't have the imagination to decide themselves what is enjoyable, so just get hammered every weekend instead. Complete cack.
Taylor Swift - Mine
This sounds like every other Taylor Swift record. It has a cover like every other Taylor Swift record. It has a video like every other Taylor Swift record. Completely banal, syruppy toss. Perhaps she should do a collaboration with the Kings of Leon.
Haddaway featuring Eminem and Lil Wayne - No Love
Its not really a Haddaway record. Which is a shame. They could have re-released Catch A Fire, that would have been nice. Sadly, we're left with Eminem at his preachy, self indulgent worst and the most talentless man in music, Lil Wayne. Wayne has no rhythm, no flow, no ability to write anything with meaning and no fans with an IQ higher than two. I remember when people called Wayne were ridiculed for coming from Essex. Now we're supposed to buy records with them on? What ever is the world coming to?
The Black Eyed Peas - The Time
Imagine the forced jollity of I Gotta Feelin' over a cover version of I've Had The Time of My Life by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes. Horrible, isn't it? And if you can't imagine it, the Black Eyed Peas have done it for you.
Sleigh Bells - Infinity Guitars
Lo-fi nonsense. Girls shouting. Scratchy guitars. Repetitive (and overly loud) drums. If you like all of these things, then you'll love this record. It is a complete mess, trying to sound garagey, underground and like it hasn't been produced properly when in fact it's probably had millions spent on polishing the turd up to make it sound like that. I'm willing to bet that at least one of them used to be in Hepburn.
My Chemical Romance - Nanana
My first thoughts on hearing this were that MCR have done a cover version of Andrew WK's Party Hard and to be honest the whole thing has a bit of an AWK vibe running through it. The problem for me is that MCR have now done the whole overdramatic thing to death. It came to its peak with Welcome to the Black Parade and just feels a bit contrived now. Surely you can't be multi-millionaires and have that much teenage angst still going on?
Linkin Park - Waiting For The End
Now if My Chemical Romance sound like they're resting on their laurels and failing to make any innovation, this sounds so comparatively laid back and traditional that i first thought that it must a typo and supposed to say it was performed by Linkin Park's Dads. Apparently not. As soon as Cheerful Chester's vocals kick in, the whole thing is recognisable, but a bit off putting. If nothing else, it is an interesting departure for Linkin Park. I doubt it will win them many new fans, but could cost them quite a few existing ones if the whole album is this downtempo lark.
Interpol - Barricade
Another band who have noticably changed their sound are Interpol. Previously merchants of highly polished, snarling electro-indie-rock, new track Barricade sees them in a much more lo-fi mood without the layers of production.
Customs - Shut Up, Narcissus
Perhaps i've become so desperate to hear proper music that when i do hear something good, it sounds incredible. The endless wander of the British music industry towards Americanised reality show music and increasingly slimy R&B and Hip Hop originating from both sides of the Atlantic is now apparently unstoppable. Even when we come up with a decent act, they'll only get minimal airtime because they don't fit in with the specific genres that the zombified populous love. Hence the success of radio stations like Heart. ANYWAY. Customs are fucking brilliant and Shut Up, Narcissus is unbelievably superb, catchy, chorus led indie pop the likes of which we haven't heard for a very long time. Imagine if Editors were a really cheerful bunch and wanted a song to play at the end of a party so that everyone would remember it forever. That is how good this song is. Customs should be on the main playlist of every radio station in the country, including Radio 3, but because they're not ten year old girls singing about sex or from a reality show, we're not allowed to like them in the UK.
...and breathe...
Kings of Leon - Radioactive
Oh deep joy. The worlds most boring rock band is back. And their comeback single isn't actually very good, but still the Great British Media falls over themselves to proclaim them as the new Jesus. Radioactive a mid-tempo, middle of the road, average, bland, boring, tedious, uneventful and stagnant wander through the land of yawn. They've even put some boring water on the record cover.
Cheryl Cole - Promise This
The latest cacophony of stupid earworms starts as soon as the record does with all this tribal-chanting Alo-etta bollocks. What is really sad is that underneath there is almost a decent song trying to get out. Potentially a half decent bit of speed-pop, it is ruined by the needless addition of elements to appeal to idiots. Expect to hear officeworkers in the queue for lunch humming the earworm bit as a demonstration of how brainwashed they have become, much like they did with Katy Perry's California Gurls.
Mike Posner - Cooler Than Me
Officially the new Sara Bareilles, Mike Posner is the latest one hit wonder to come out of American daytime radio. Cooler Than Me is a monothemed synth laded song, but it works because its a fairly original idea and it is performed with conviction.
Rihanna - The Only Girl In The World
Even if you were, i still wouldn't listen to your records. You have the most horrible, whiny voice of anyone to have ever recorded themselves.
Roll Deep & Alesha Dixon - Take Control
Please stop now. Roll Deep have roped in Alesha Dixon for this entirely unneccessary record. Its another painfully awful tome about clubbing, partying and blah blah blah. The first one sounded forced and soulless and this is worse, just milking the joyless weekend routine of a generation who don't have the imagination to decide themselves what is enjoyable, so just get hammered every weekend instead. Complete cack.
Taylor Swift - Mine
This sounds like every other Taylor Swift record. It has a cover like every other Taylor Swift record. It has a video like every other Taylor Swift record. Completely banal, syruppy toss. Perhaps she should do a collaboration with the Kings of Leon.
Haddaway featuring Eminem and Lil Wayne - No Love
Its not really a Haddaway record. Which is a shame. They could have re-released Catch A Fire, that would have been nice. Sadly, we're left with Eminem at his preachy, self indulgent worst and the most talentless man in music, Lil Wayne. Wayne has no rhythm, no flow, no ability to write anything with meaning and no fans with an IQ higher than two. I remember when people called Wayne were ridiculed for coming from Essex. Now we're supposed to buy records with them on? What ever is the world coming to?
The Black Eyed Peas - The Time
Imagine the forced jollity of I Gotta Feelin' over a cover version of I've Had The Time of My Life by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes. Horrible, isn't it? And if you can't imagine it, the Black Eyed Peas have done it for you.
Sleigh Bells - Infinity Guitars
Lo-fi nonsense. Girls shouting. Scratchy guitars. Repetitive (and overly loud) drums. If you like all of these things, then you'll love this record. It is a complete mess, trying to sound garagey, underground and like it hasn't been produced properly when in fact it's probably had millions spent on polishing the turd up to make it sound like that. I'm willing to bet that at least one of them used to be in Hepburn.
Friday 8 October 2010
On "Dub~Step"
I've tried. I've tried really bloody hard. I can find a positive in most genres of music and usually the odd act i can tolerate, but Dubstep is shit. Whats worse is how Radio 1's presenting staff seem to be pushing it as if there is no tomorrow and gushing over how painfully brilliant every last farting bleep is, when it is blatantly balls.
The latest golden children of Dubstep are Magnetic Man and Katy B. Heavens be praised, they've recorded a single together which is boring. No other word for it. They even went to the trouble of recording a session performance with loads of live strings which sounded as though a lot of work had gone in to it, but the fact remains that you can't polish a turd and the song is still tedious. Katy B also wimped out of doing the high bits, but put in an otherwise decent performance. It probably lasted for about three minutes, but felt like it went on in excess of a fortnight, wallowing from one swoopy effect to the next.
In fairness, i already hated both Magnetic Man and Katy B's debut singles before i heard this one. The former (I Need Air) using some of the most painfully irritating vocal effects of all time. It was one song that i felt rather than air, needed asphyxiation.
I really do wonder what the hell the playlist morons are on at Radio 1. (Hello Aled Haydn Jones.) They are missing some really good music at the moment, simply because the playlist group seem to be on a mission to remove anything with guitars, hooks and (dare i even say it) choruses from the airwaves between 97 and 99. Instead we get binges of weak dance music (Tim Berg's Seek Bromance - yawwwwwwn), boring dubstep and cringeworthy urban slop from 1Xtra.
That brings me neatly on to my second subject for today. I have quite liked Tinie Tempah when he's been on with Chris Moyles. He comes across as quite a decent sort of chap. But his music is just awful. Passout was the anthem for binge drinking twelve year olds. Frisky was the anthem for pregnant twelve year olds. And his latest collaboration with Swedish House Mafia seems to have been written by a twelve year old going through puberty in three minutes. Its slimy, nasty and utterly embarassing.
To finish with a line that could have been written for a party conference: Britain needs better. And Britain can do better.
There. Who da statesman, aiii?
The latest golden children of Dubstep are Magnetic Man and Katy B. Heavens be praised, they've recorded a single together which is boring. No other word for it. They even went to the trouble of recording a session performance with loads of live strings which sounded as though a lot of work had gone in to it, but the fact remains that you can't polish a turd and the song is still tedious. Katy B also wimped out of doing the high bits, but put in an otherwise decent performance. It probably lasted for about three minutes, but felt like it went on in excess of a fortnight, wallowing from one swoopy effect to the next.
In fairness, i already hated both Magnetic Man and Katy B's debut singles before i heard this one. The former (I Need Air) using some of the most painfully irritating vocal effects of all time. It was one song that i felt rather than air, needed asphyxiation.
I really do wonder what the hell the playlist morons are on at Radio 1. (Hello Aled Haydn Jones.) They are missing some really good music at the moment, simply because the playlist group seem to be on a mission to remove anything with guitars, hooks and (dare i even say it) choruses from the airwaves between 97 and 99. Instead we get binges of weak dance music (Tim Berg's Seek Bromance - yawwwwwwn), boring dubstep and cringeworthy urban slop from 1Xtra.
That brings me neatly on to my second subject for today. I have quite liked Tinie Tempah when he's been on with Chris Moyles. He comes across as quite a decent sort of chap. But his music is just awful. Passout was the anthem for binge drinking twelve year olds. Frisky was the anthem for pregnant twelve year olds. And his latest collaboration with Swedish House Mafia seems to have been written by a twelve year old going through puberty in three minutes. Its slimy, nasty and utterly embarassing.
To finish with a line that could have been written for a party conference: Britain needs better. And Britain can do better.
There. Who da statesman, aiii?
Tuesday 31 August 2010
Music Hate 2010
It was never supposed to be like this. I'm sure i was all optimistic and positive about every new some i heard once. Must have been a very long time ago...
Katy B - Katy on a Mission
Hoo~fucking~ray. The British Urban scene has finally disappeared up its own arse with the most pathetically named artist ever, who has made a pissweak cover version of the dubstep/drum and bass remix of La Roux's In For The Kill. Its got all that etheral sound about it which makes people like Fearne Cotton use words like "goosebumps" and "deep". Utter crap.
Eminem and Rhianna - Love The Way You Lie
No, wait! I know what you're all thinking, but I can find something positive to say about this record: The imagery of Rhianna being burned to death is a welcome break from Eminem's uninspired and repetitive rap.
Brandon Flowers - Crossfire
Oh joy. What with The Killers having recorded all four of their good songs and being completely bankrupt in terms of new ideas, indie's Mr Standoffish has decided to record a solo album. This lead out single is like Human, but without the stupid chorus. I've heard Val Doonican and Perry Como make more interesting and edgy music.
Katy Perry - Teenage Dream
Mrs Russell Brand is becoming very slimy in her recent material. What with the filthy California Girls video and now this rather uneasy song encouraging teenagers to get out there and get shaggin', i'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that she can't make music about anything else.
Rhianna - Hard
I actually had to look up what this was called, seeing as most of the song is just that tribal "ay-e-yay-o-ay-e-yay-ay-ay" that all black music writers turn to when they can't be bothered to write any proper lyrics. It sounds like the even more tedious b-side to the equally dismal dirge Rude Boy.
Roll Deep - Green Light
No, seriously. Fuck off now you tedious chav pricks. ANY record that has the nerve to use lines like "Look at the skirt on that" can fuck off to the pits of hell without passing go (but sadly collecting far more than £200). What sort of fucking pond scum level human detritus buys music like this?!?
Aggro Santos - Saint or Sinner
Speaking of nasty chavs, its our old friend Mr Santos, whom (just like his last record) is still sat in a sticky corner of some dive of a club looking at girls dancing with a couple of rohypnol in his sweaty hands. Its a shame because ignore Santos' slimy rhymes and you've got quite a good rave track being ripped off in the background.
So then. Perhaps i should stop doing these reviews. I get the feeling sometimes that i don't have anything positive to say, but its not like that really. I'm just turning into a grumpy old man who doesn't get all this current wave of bad British street music. Perhaps the problem is that any idiot can download a copy of FruityLoops from Rapidshare and start calling themselves an artist. Particularly if they can get one of their mates to do a few slimy rhymes over the top about how he's gonna find himself some skirt. Clubbing and partying should be about music, not the other way around.
Katy B - Katy on a Mission
Hoo~fucking~ray. The British Urban scene has finally disappeared up its own arse with the most pathetically named artist ever, who has made a pissweak cover version of the dubstep/drum and bass remix of La Roux's In For The Kill. Its got all that etheral sound about it which makes people like Fearne Cotton use words like "goosebumps" and "deep". Utter crap.
Eminem and Rhianna - Love The Way You Lie
No, wait! I know what you're all thinking, but I can find something positive to say about this record: The imagery of Rhianna being burned to death is a welcome break from Eminem's uninspired and repetitive rap.
Brandon Flowers - Crossfire
Oh joy. What with The Killers having recorded all four of their good songs and being completely bankrupt in terms of new ideas, indie's Mr Standoffish has decided to record a solo album. This lead out single is like Human, but without the stupid chorus. I've heard Val Doonican and Perry Como make more interesting and edgy music.
Katy Perry - Teenage Dream
Mrs Russell Brand is becoming very slimy in her recent material. What with the filthy California Girls video and now this rather uneasy song encouraging teenagers to get out there and get shaggin', i'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that she can't make music about anything else.
Rhianna - Hard
I actually had to look up what this was called, seeing as most of the song is just that tribal "ay-e-yay-o-ay-e-yay-ay-ay" that all black music writers turn to when they can't be bothered to write any proper lyrics. It sounds like the even more tedious b-side to the equally dismal dirge Rude Boy.
Roll Deep - Green Light
No, seriously. Fuck off now you tedious chav pricks. ANY record that has the nerve to use lines like "Look at the skirt on that" can fuck off to the pits of hell without passing go (but sadly collecting far more than £200). What sort of fucking pond scum level human detritus buys music like this?!?
Aggro Santos - Saint or Sinner
Speaking of nasty chavs, its our old friend Mr Santos, whom (just like his last record) is still sat in a sticky corner of some dive of a club looking at girls dancing with a couple of rohypnol in his sweaty hands. Its a shame because ignore Santos' slimy rhymes and you've got quite a good rave track being ripped off in the background.
So then. Perhaps i should stop doing these reviews. I get the feeling sometimes that i don't have anything positive to say, but its not like that really. I'm just turning into a grumpy old man who doesn't get all this current wave of bad British street music. Perhaps the problem is that any idiot can download a copy of FruityLoops from Rapidshare and start calling themselves an artist. Particularly if they can get one of their mates to do a few slimy rhymes over the top about how he's gonna find himself some skirt. Clubbing and partying should be about music, not the other way around.
Saturday 28 August 2010
Jopijedd's Radio Memoirs
This is possibly part one of a dynamic mini series (like American TV used to make in the late 80s), possibly not. Depends how carried away i get with it, i suppose. The premise is that i'm going to go for a wander through my memories of radio.
I've got vague memories of BBC Radio Bristol all the way back to my early childhood. The likes of Roger Bennett and John Turner over breakfast and during the morning were probably the first radio shows that i expressed a preference in. Through the eighties, the playlist on Radio Bristol was probably a bit edgier than it is now, featuring more chart music than the station currently carries. Admittedly, the top 40 was probably a lot safer in general than it is now, but even so the station felt more on the pulse in those days. You also had a wide variety of specialist music programmes, one in particular which sits in my mind was the Sunday afternoon offering with Tristan B offering various black and dance music. The closest you have to anything like that now are the BBC Introducing programmes which go out in the dead of the night, which are all part of the bigger BBC Introducing strand which runs nationwide.
Other memorable early listening experiences included The Top 40 on Radio 1 with Bruno Brookes (which was simulcast on Bristol's FM frequency at the time as R1 was MW only at the time), Radio 2's Pick of the Pops (with Alan Freeman) and other local radio programming such as Steve Yabsley's legendary Saturday morning show, but more of that later.
On a family holiday to Cornwall, i was treated to my first radio cassette recorder which lived conveniently on a shelf at the end of my bed for many, many years. From that time, i would generally wake up and listen to the radio in bed, particularly Radio 1 as they had now started broadcasting in the glorious FM stereo. The first breakfast show presenter i remember on Radio 1 was Mike Smith, who was coming towards the end of his tenure as i started listening. It becomes very easy in times like these (where the workings of a radio station are far more displayed and talked about) to forget that back in those days that we didn't get months of warning when schedules were due to change, so it came as something to a surprise to me when Simon Mayo popped up and the format of the show changed. But not all surprises are nasty ones and i soon settled down to Mayo's warm presenting style with newscaster Rod McKenzie and weather reporter Sybill Ruscoe (who was later replaced by Diane Oxenberry) acting as sidekicks in a similar manner to the way that Dominic Byrne and Tina Daheley are foils to Chris Moyles on the current breakfast show.
Of course being a scholar at the time, the main times i heard the radio were during the breakfast show and later on through the afternoon with Steve Wright, whom i found entertaining as an 11 year old, but now enjoy considerably less. I think this might be down to the fact that he's still effectively doing very similar material to the same format over twenty years later. What i used to find particularly frustrating was the reliance upon the Bank Holiday Monday stalwart "Best of the Guests" programming in which tedious celebrities were dragged out for Wright to fawn over. In truth, they'd have been miles better off just getting one of the station's junior DJs in to play some damned music. In terms of the time it must have taken to edit the interview material together, it'd probably have been cheaper as well.
During the early 90s commercial radio began to play a more important role in the West. GWR had been steadily gaining momentum over the past few years to a point where it was well established, particularly in the urban areas. New upstart Galaxy had also come along, offering a younger and fresher range of programming and music than otherwise offered by local stations. Radio 1 on FM in the Mendips was (and still is to this day) very patchy, mainly on account of not having a local transmitter and relying upon the transmission from Wenvoe in South Wales.
The other great revolution of the early 90s was the revelation of the Radio 1 comedy slot, which i only came to know during the later part of its run. The Chris Morris Music Show (of which i taped every episode off air, having borrowed tapes of On The Hour from a friend at school and decided that i was a fan of Morris) was a staple of my Wednesday evenings during 1994.
If i'm honest, my specific memories of the more mainstream radio from this 91-96 period start to get a bit woollier for a few years. I didn't have a great following for any show in particular and i don't think anything on the daytime spectrum really piqued my imagination. I didn't think much of the Radio 1 daytime presenters of the likes of Simon Bates, Emma Freud, Lisa I'Anson and Nicky Campbell and anybody broadcasting at the time on ILR was pretty much interchangeable with the next presenter. I had taken far more to making my own mixtapes (a habit which continues to this day) and sourcing my own playlists mostly from the bottom of the bargain bins of our numerous local record shops.
This seems a sensible juncture to leave it for now. Partially as a preview (and partially as an aide memoire for myself), part two will concern MTV Europe and the massive influence it had over my future listening habits; Viva Northern Europe; Computers and Radio 4; What i missed from 1996-9 and Listening to GWR on the 18. Even later on, we'll get on to Taping the Dark Lord; Conversion to Radio 2; Conversion back to Radio 1; the birth of my obsession with radio and my current listening habits.
I've got vague memories of BBC Radio Bristol all the way back to my early childhood. The likes of Roger Bennett and John Turner over breakfast and during the morning were probably the first radio shows that i expressed a preference in. Through the eighties, the playlist on Radio Bristol was probably a bit edgier than it is now, featuring more chart music than the station currently carries. Admittedly, the top 40 was probably a lot safer in general than it is now, but even so the station felt more on the pulse in those days. You also had a wide variety of specialist music programmes, one in particular which sits in my mind was the Sunday afternoon offering with Tristan B offering various black and dance music. The closest you have to anything like that now are the BBC Introducing programmes which go out in the dead of the night, which are all part of the bigger BBC Introducing strand which runs nationwide.
Other memorable early listening experiences included The Top 40 on Radio 1 with Bruno Brookes (which was simulcast on Bristol's FM frequency at the time as R1 was MW only at the time), Radio 2's Pick of the Pops (with Alan Freeman) and other local radio programming such as Steve Yabsley's legendary Saturday morning show, but more of that later.
On a family holiday to Cornwall, i was treated to my first radio cassette recorder which lived conveniently on a shelf at the end of my bed for many, many years. From that time, i would generally wake up and listen to the radio in bed, particularly Radio 1 as they had now started broadcasting in the glorious FM stereo. The first breakfast show presenter i remember on Radio 1 was Mike Smith, who was coming towards the end of his tenure as i started listening. It becomes very easy in times like these (where the workings of a radio station are far more displayed and talked about) to forget that back in those days that we didn't get months of warning when schedules were due to change, so it came as something to a surprise to me when Simon Mayo popped up and the format of the show changed. But not all surprises are nasty ones and i soon settled down to Mayo's warm presenting style with newscaster Rod McKenzie and weather reporter Sybill Ruscoe (who was later replaced by Diane Oxenberry) acting as sidekicks in a similar manner to the way that Dominic Byrne and Tina Daheley are foils to Chris Moyles on the current breakfast show.
Of course being a scholar at the time, the main times i heard the radio were during the breakfast show and later on through the afternoon with Steve Wright, whom i found entertaining as an 11 year old, but now enjoy considerably less. I think this might be down to the fact that he's still effectively doing very similar material to the same format over twenty years later. What i used to find particularly frustrating was the reliance upon the Bank Holiday Monday stalwart "Best of the Guests" programming in which tedious celebrities were dragged out for Wright to fawn over. In truth, they'd have been miles better off just getting one of the station's junior DJs in to play some damned music. In terms of the time it must have taken to edit the interview material together, it'd probably have been cheaper as well.
During the early 90s commercial radio began to play a more important role in the West. GWR had been steadily gaining momentum over the past few years to a point where it was well established, particularly in the urban areas. New upstart Galaxy had also come along, offering a younger and fresher range of programming and music than otherwise offered by local stations. Radio 1 on FM in the Mendips was (and still is to this day) very patchy, mainly on account of not having a local transmitter and relying upon the transmission from Wenvoe in South Wales.
The other great revolution of the early 90s was the revelation of the Radio 1 comedy slot, which i only came to know during the later part of its run. The Chris Morris Music Show (of which i taped every episode off air, having borrowed tapes of On The Hour from a friend at school and decided that i was a fan of Morris) was a staple of my Wednesday evenings during 1994.
If i'm honest, my specific memories of the more mainstream radio from this 91-96 period start to get a bit woollier for a few years. I didn't have a great following for any show in particular and i don't think anything on the daytime spectrum really piqued my imagination. I didn't think much of the Radio 1 daytime presenters of the likes of Simon Bates, Emma Freud, Lisa I'Anson and Nicky Campbell and anybody broadcasting at the time on ILR was pretty much interchangeable with the next presenter. I had taken far more to making my own mixtapes (a habit which continues to this day) and sourcing my own playlists mostly from the bottom of the bargain bins of our numerous local record shops.
This seems a sensible juncture to leave it for now. Partially as a preview (and partially as an aide memoire for myself), part two will concern MTV Europe and the massive influence it had over my future listening habits; Viva Northern Europe; Computers and Radio 4; What i missed from 1996-9 and Listening to GWR on the 18. Even later on, we'll get on to Taping the Dark Lord; Conversion to Radio 2; Conversion back to Radio 1; the birth of my obsession with radio and my current listening habits.
Monday 26 July 2010
Legitimate needs to be easier than Hooky
You see, if the music industry is ever to win the "battle" against illegally downloaded music then they're going to need to make their delivery systems better.
Case in point #1: Swedish House Mafia - One.
I pre-ordered this on play.com. I've tried to download it this morning (as it is supposedly released today) and the server can't handle it. Not only that, they've chopped another 36p off the EP price in order to alienate those who pre-ordered. If i'd been less patient and gone for a hooky download of it a month ago, i'd have had it there and then. Why are we being forced to wait for music that is being played on the radio and clearly ready for distribution? Its like going back to the old days of singles being promoted solidly for two months, getting released then spending one week at #4 before disappearing out of the charts within three weeks.
Case in point #2: Fake Blood - I Think I Like.
This is on Herve's Cheap Thrills label, which makes me want to buy it legitimately as i love Herve's work in general. As Scott Mills has been hammering it on Friday nights for well over a month now, you'd think an online purchase would be simple. But no. I've got to wait until the 9th of sodding August before it gets released officially or take a chance on some compilation album version which will probably be part of a contiuous mix and therefore sound terrible. Again, why the delay?
If its ready to get promo'ed out to radio stations, it'll be available via routes which won't make the artists any money. Therefore it is ready for legitimate release. Get on with it, music industry.
Case in point #1: Swedish House Mafia - One.
I pre-ordered this on play.com. I've tried to download it this morning (as it is supposedly released today) and the server can't handle it. Not only that, they've chopped another 36p off the EP price in order to alienate those who pre-ordered. If i'd been less patient and gone for a hooky download of it a month ago, i'd have had it there and then. Why are we being forced to wait for music that is being played on the radio and clearly ready for distribution? Its like going back to the old days of singles being promoted solidly for two months, getting released then spending one week at #4 before disappearing out of the charts within three weeks.
Case in point #2: Fake Blood - I Think I Like.
This is on Herve's Cheap Thrills label, which makes me want to buy it legitimately as i love Herve's work in general. As Scott Mills has been hammering it on Friday nights for well over a month now, you'd think an online purchase would be simple. But no. I've got to wait until the 9th of sodding August before it gets released officially or take a chance on some compilation album version which will probably be part of a contiuous mix and therefore sound terrible. Again, why the delay?
If its ready to get promo'ed out to radio stations, it'll be available via routes which won't make the artists any money. Therefore it is ready for legitimate release. Get on with it, music industry.
Sunday 4 July 2010
Summer Mixtape 2010 reviews
I normally do this some time around May, but working 60 hours a week has been getting to me. Anyway, i'm going to give an overview of (mostly) the CD singles that i've gone through this morning in preparation for making this year's collection:
This post is sponsored by TDK.
Inna - Hot (AATW / 3Beat)
I didn't know 3Beat were still going - i thought their last release was Into The Future by New Atlantic. Anyways, here is a piss poor collection of remixes of Inna's fairly decent original. The UK Radio Edit has been needlessly shortened from the album version. Cahill's mix isn't bad, but feels as if it is just one minute of song repeated three times. The Real Booty Babes do some dire Clubland-esque remix which doesn't really work.
Alphabeat - DJ (Polydor)
I'd love to know why Alphabeat are being so widely ignored in the UK at the moment, because they're churning out some fantastic proper pop music. Two of the mixes emerge from the labs of Biffco (you know, the brains behind 2wo Third3) and cracking. The third comes courtesy of Doman and Golding, is highly predictable and adds nowt to the proceedings.
DJ Rebel & FTW - You Can Call Me Al (Mostiko Belgium)
God bless Free Record Shop and their bargain bin. Its a cover of the Paul Simon original, so you've got a rough idea of what to expect. DJ Rebel's version is fairly predictable, relying on a synth brass line as the main hook, whereas FTW's mix is a bit more dramatic whilst still being dance oriented. Credit should also be paid to the vocalists (Steve Lee and Steve Smith) who do a good job at making a distinct, and definitely not identikit version of the original vocals.
Professor Green ft Ed Drewett - I Need You Tonight (EMI)
Radio version is excellent, production line remix by Doman and Golding is pretty lazy.
Kate Nash - Do-Wah-Doo (Polydor)
Another one of only two tracks - the radio version and a truly terrible cover by Cribs frontgoon (and Nash boyfriend) Ryan Jarman.
Hurts - Better Than Love (Major Label via Sony)
Fantastic single - epic swirling and expansive synthpop lead track is worth the 99p alone, but add to that a superb orchestral b-side and its terrific value.
Plan B - She Said (Atlantic / 679)
Okay, i'll admit i was seduced somewhat by the presentation of this in a classic 45 styled die-cut sleeve. I wasn't a massive fan of the original version, but it was passable for daytime radio. The 16bit Remix isn't bad and adds some sinister electro to the original, but the two Shy FX mixes are excellent, adding some depth to the sound and taking the track off in a different direction.
DJ Supreme vs Rhythm Masters - Enter The Scene (Distinctive)
Its a classic. Prompted by a sighting of the video on The Vault, its got to go on.
Bob Sinclar featuring Hendogg, Master Gee and Wonder Mike from the Original Sugarhill Gang - Lala Song (NEWS Belgium)
Its almost exactly what you'd expect from a collaboration between Bob Sinclar and three members of the Sugarhill Gang - very retro, very disco and fairly inoffensive. The Tocadisco mix builds to a big crescendo it never really reaches. Guy Schreiner's Old School Party mix features a substantial collection of 1991-esque rave effects by doesn't really go anywhere beyond a few hook lines. The Donovan Dominator Remix is another rave-influenced affair, but possibly a few years behind Schreiner's effort.
Regi ft Tom Helsen - Night and Day (Mostiko Belgium)
Regi Penxten is a sensible man - he knows he is a big musical fish in the small pond of Belgium and that he has a huge following with a public convinced he can shit gold. To be honest, they're probably right. Although his work doesn't deviate massively from a fairly consistent Belgian DancePop sound, its accomplished with skill. If you're a fan of his other work (and chances are you won't be unless you're Belgian), you'll probably love this. On to the mixes - the Daniel Bovy remix is rather more laid back and heavy on the swirling production whereas the Dave Lambert & Housetrap version goes for the standard cut-n-shut approach of putting vocals over a backing track they don't really fit well with, which should have made it an assured appearance on Scott Mills' Floor Fillers show.
Milk Inc - Storm (ARS Belgium)
Another Regi Penxten effort. This one gets the vocal lead of Linda Mertens, who will be familiar to anyone who has heard a Milk Inc track in the past. Its pretty predictable Milk Inc fare to be honest, with big synths, midpaced rhythm and the odd ropey metaphor. Vinss-T's remix sounds rather British in its composition, with a worrying level of Clubland sound effects in there and there are a few dodgy cuts on the vocals (possibly from having been trimmed down to an edit by somebody on work experience). U&Me offer an electro take on the original. Dizkodude provides a polished mix which is effectively the original with the sound mellowed down and chilled out a little. DJ Geremy Thunder (who is Canadian) offers another Clublandy sounding version.
Lasgo - Gone (NEWS Belgium)
Regi Penxten's only competition to the throne of Belgium's Production Royalty is the brains behind Lasgo - Peter Luts. Thankfully they both make music which fits on to the same compilation albums. Jelle van Dael belts out the vocals in her usual distinctive style and the whole thing feels familiar, whilst not sounding like anything specific in their back catalogue. The Radio and Extended versions are backed up by two mixes - one rhythmic synth version from Sebastian Dali which sounds rather dated and a barking Dutch hardcore influenced version from Luts' knob twiddling cohort Jef Martens under the alias of Felix Project. The latter doesn't really work that well and sounds more like two songs that have been awkwardly cobbled together.
Armin van Buuren ft Jacqueline Govaert - Never Say Never (Armada/Mostiko Belgium)
The Radio Edit is a fairly laid back track for Armin van Buuren, with some awkward transitions between live and studio vocals (or at least the effects thereof). I haven't heard that sort of thing since Scooter's first album. The Alex Gaudino remix is a weak cut-n-paste affair with bits of vocals turning up all over a bleepy backdrop.
MC Solaar - Le Rabbi Muffin (Pomme via Sony)
Perhaps if Fettes Brot came from France and were charged with making a song for a musical, this is what it would sound like.
Future Presidents - The World Keeps Changing (Universal Netherlands)
This feels like its going to turn into a Michael Buble song, mixing light swing rhythms and inoffensive pop. The acoustic version does exactly what you'd expect.
Sir-G vs DJ Sake - 2 Spirits (Mostiko Belgium)
Worst act name in this list, but this is proof i'll buy anything on Mostiko if its cheap enough. The main vocal hook is the one from Jean Jacques Smoothie's Two People, with some ill fitting and rather odd ragga styled bits between. If Maxx had never happened, you might think it was inventive, but its a bit wobbly as a concept nowadays. Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike offer up a remix using the female hook and a backing track that sounds very familiar from an episode of Armin van Buuren's A State of Trance radio show a few years ago. It takes eight minutes to go nowhere.
Steve Aoki ft [[[zuper blahq]]] - I'm In The House (NEWS Belgium)
Will-i-am off of out of the Black Eyed Peas turns up on this and sounds 200% more interested in what he's doing than he did on anything from the last BEP album. Gigi Barocco provides a hyperactive electro remix which is pretty entertaining. Herve goes the other way on the electro spectrum, taking it down tempo and dirty for the most part. Its not Herve's finest work.
This post is sponsored by TDK.
Inna - Hot (AATW / 3Beat)
I didn't know 3Beat were still going - i thought their last release was Into The Future by New Atlantic. Anyways, here is a piss poor collection of remixes of Inna's fairly decent original. The UK Radio Edit has been needlessly shortened from the album version. Cahill's mix isn't bad, but feels as if it is just one minute of song repeated three times. The Real Booty Babes do some dire Clubland-esque remix which doesn't really work.
Alphabeat - DJ (Polydor)
I'd love to know why Alphabeat are being so widely ignored in the UK at the moment, because they're churning out some fantastic proper pop music. Two of the mixes emerge from the labs of Biffco (you know, the brains behind 2wo Third3) and cracking. The third comes courtesy of Doman and Golding, is highly predictable and adds nowt to the proceedings.
DJ Rebel & FTW - You Can Call Me Al (Mostiko Belgium)
God bless Free Record Shop and their bargain bin. Its a cover of the Paul Simon original, so you've got a rough idea of what to expect. DJ Rebel's version is fairly predictable, relying on a synth brass line as the main hook, whereas FTW's mix is a bit more dramatic whilst still being dance oriented. Credit should also be paid to the vocalists (Steve Lee and Steve Smith) who do a good job at making a distinct, and definitely not identikit version of the original vocals.
Professor Green ft Ed Drewett - I Need You Tonight (EMI)
Radio version is excellent, production line remix by Doman and Golding is pretty lazy.
Kate Nash - Do-Wah-Doo (Polydor)
Another one of only two tracks - the radio version and a truly terrible cover by Cribs frontgoon (and Nash boyfriend) Ryan Jarman.
Hurts - Better Than Love (Major Label via Sony)
Fantastic single - epic swirling and expansive synthpop lead track is worth the 99p alone, but add to that a superb orchestral b-side and its terrific value.
Plan B - She Said (Atlantic / 679)
Okay, i'll admit i was seduced somewhat by the presentation of this in a classic 45 styled die-cut sleeve. I wasn't a massive fan of the original version, but it was passable for daytime radio. The 16bit Remix isn't bad and adds some sinister electro to the original, but the two Shy FX mixes are excellent, adding some depth to the sound and taking the track off in a different direction.
DJ Supreme vs Rhythm Masters - Enter The Scene (Distinctive)
Its a classic. Prompted by a sighting of the video on The Vault, its got to go on.
Bob Sinclar featuring Hendogg, Master Gee and Wonder Mike from the Original Sugarhill Gang - Lala Song (NEWS Belgium)
Its almost exactly what you'd expect from a collaboration between Bob Sinclar and three members of the Sugarhill Gang - very retro, very disco and fairly inoffensive. The Tocadisco mix builds to a big crescendo it never really reaches. Guy Schreiner's Old School Party mix features a substantial collection of 1991-esque rave effects by doesn't really go anywhere beyond a few hook lines. The Donovan Dominator Remix is another rave-influenced affair, but possibly a few years behind Schreiner's effort.
Regi ft Tom Helsen - Night and Day (Mostiko Belgium)
Regi Penxten is a sensible man - he knows he is a big musical fish in the small pond of Belgium and that he has a huge following with a public convinced he can shit gold. To be honest, they're probably right. Although his work doesn't deviate massively from a fairly consistent Belgian DancePop sound, its accomplished with skill. If you're a fan of his other work (and chances are you won't be unless you're Belgian), you'll probably love this. On to the mixes - the Daniel Bovy remix is rather more laid back and heavy on the swirling production whereas the Dave Lambert & Housetrap version goes for the standard cut-n-shut approach of putting vocals over a backing track they don't really fit well with, which should have made it an assured appearance on Scott Mills' Floor Fillers show.
Milk Inc - Storm (ARS Belgium)
Another Regi Penxten effort. This one gets the vocal lead of Linda Mertens, who will be familiar to anyone who has heard a Milk Inc track in the past. Its pretty predictable Milk Inc fare to be honest, with big synths, midpaced rhythm and the odd ropey metaphor. Vinss-T's remix sounds rather British in its composition, with a worrying level of Clubland sound effects in there and there are a few dodgy cuts on the vocals (possibly from having been trimmed down to an edit by somebody on work experience). U&Me offer an electro take on the original. Dizkodude provides a polished mix which is effectively the original with the sound mellowed down and chilled out a little. DJ Geremy Thunder (who is Canadian) offers another Clublandy sounding version.
Lasgo - Gone (NEWS Belgium)
Regi Penxten's only competition to the throne of Belgium's Production Royalty is the brains behind Lasgo - Peter Luts. Thankfully they both make music which fits on to the same compilation albums. Jelle van Dael belts out the vocals in her usual distinctive style and the whole thing feels familiar, whilst not sounding like anything specific in their back catalogue. The Radio and Extended versions are backed up by two mixes - one rhythmic synth version from Sebastian Dali which sounds rather dated and a barking Dutch hardcore influenced version from Luts' knob twiddling cohort Jef Martens under the alias of Felix Project. The latter doesn't really work that well and sounds more like two songs that have been awkwardly cobbled together.
Armin van Buuren ft Jacqueline Govaert - Never Say Never (Armada/Mostiko Belgium)
The Radio Edit is a fairly laid back track for Armin van Buuren, with some awkward transitions between live and studio vocals (or at least the effects thereof). I haven't heard that sort of thing since Scooter's first album. The Alex Gaudino remix is a weak cut-n-paste affair with bits of vocals turning up all over a bleepy backdrop.
MC Solaar - Le Rabbi Muffin (Pomme via Sony)
Perhaps if Fettes Brot came from France and were charged with making a song for a musical, this is what it would sound like.
Future Presidents - The World Keeps Changing (Universal Netherlands)
This feels like its going to turn into a Michael Buble song, mixing light swing rhythms and inoffensive pop. The acoustic version does exactly what you'd expect.
Sir-G vs DJ Sake - 2 Spirits (Mostiko Belgium)
Worst act name in this list, but this is proof i'll buy anything on Mostiko if its cheap enough. The main vocal hook is the one from Jean Jacques Smoothie's Two People, with some ill fitting and rather odd ragga styled bits between. If Maxx had never happened, you might think it was inventive, but its a bit wobbly as a concept nowadays. Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike offer up a remix using the female hook and a backing track that sounds very familiar from an episode of Armin van Buuren's A State of Trance radio show a few years ago. It takes eight minutes to go nowhere.
Steve Aoki ft [[[zuper blahq]]] - I'm In The House (NEWS Belgium)
Will-i-am off of out of the Black Eyed Peas turns up on this and sounds 200% more interested in what he's doing than he did on anything from the last BEP album. Gigi Barocco provides a hyperactive electro remix which is pretty entertaining. Herve goes the other way on the electro spectrum, taking it down tempo and dirty for the most part. Its not Herve's finest work.
Tuesday 15 June 2010
All hands to the bilge pump
I haven't reviewed any awful singles for ages...
Tinie Tempah featuring Labrinth - Frisky (Parlophone)
Now heres a thing; this sounds exactly like Tinie Tempah's last record, right down to the drum and bass bit at the end. If you liked the Pass Out, you'll like this as well. And you'll have a mental age of two to still be impressed by raps which are a charicature of any substance.
David Guetta, Chris Willis, Fergie and LMFAO - Gettin' Over You (Positiva / Virgin)
Guetta's work of late has been patchy and there is little doubt the guy is spreading himself too thinly, but this reworked gem from last years One Love album has been given a bit of an ADHD remix to make it appeal to daytime radio. Chris Willis' vocals are utterly brilliant as always.
Eminem - Not Afraid (Interscope)
Better than lead single from his previous album Crack A Bottle, but it still feels like Marshall is wallowing in a whole swamp of self pity. Obviously he needs to escape from everything to get some fresh inspiration, because theres nothing here to hold a candle to his earlier work.
Jason Derulo - Ridin' Solo (Warners)
Iyaz - Solo (Reprise)
Two reviews for the price of one here. Two JR Rotem songs, probably written concurrently. Iyaz whines tunelessly about not wanting to be S. O. L. O. whereas Derulo is delighted to be Ridin' Solo, which to me sounds like a song all about masturbation. Derulo's is the more listenable and inventive of the two, but they're both caked in enough autotune to sort out a Girls Aloud album.
Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart (J)
Try listening with bleeding ears.
Pixie Lott - Turn It Up (Mercury)
Turn it off. Alright, i'll elaborate; Pixie is busy telling her current squeeze that its over during the verses, then inexplicably heads off into a chorus of "Turn it up, Turn it up". Utter shit from a nasty production line in a country with a dreadful human rights record. Soulless.
Aggro Santos featuring Kimberly Wyatt (Future)
Now for the nastiest record around at the moment. Take a Kesha-esque bleepy background, add one Pussycat Doll to sing the chorus and then taken the rather vile Mr Santos to start rapping about how he expects girls to dance for him whilst he shouts "You, you, you, yeah, you!" at them. Forget the Labour leadership contest being a damning indictment of women's rights, look no further than this crap and the sort of morons who buy it.
Rhianna - Te Amo (Def Jam)
Current album Rated R must be a real heap judging by the singles being released. First we get the pathetic Chris Brown baiting dirge Russian Roulette, then the filthy Rude Boy where the double entendre is about as cloaked as a naked rambler and now this tedious ballad where her nasty nasal vocals sound even more whiny than normal.
Lady Gaga - Alejandro (Interscope)
Talking of barrel scraping from dubious albums... This is the fifty eighth single from The Fame and its various Monster and Remix reincarnations. Its a boring ballad. Scott Mills actually reviewed it better than i possibly could - "If this was by Emma Bunton, you wouldn't care".
Terry Venables - If I Can Dream (Sony)
Best of the sparse collection of football singles around this year. Venables properly belts out this rousing anthem backed by a substantial orchestral arrangement.
Squad - Three Lions 2010 (Parlophone)
Jesus. Who decided there should be an awful cover version of Three Lions, with terrible sound effects and an inexplicable opera singer?
Train - Hey Soul Sister (Columbia)
Now here is 2010's most unexpected comeback. Train (who recorded the similarly slow-burning mainstay of daytime radio Drops of Jupiter in 2001) rely heavily on a ukelele to record this inoffensive, but lively track which builds nicely into the sort of pop song that American bands used to make for a pastime. It makes a really nice break from the over-produced and contentless gunk that tends to come from across the Atlantic at the moment.
Pretty Reckless - Makes Me Wanna Die (Interscope)
This boring fake emo record is made by a band whose lineup keeps changing except for their model frontwoman, which pretty much tells you all you need to know. Its very plastic and about as deep as a puddle.
Kelis - Acapella (Interscope)
Now this is a first - a Kelis record that i actually like. The latest incarnation of pop butterfly Kelis is a much more dancier and European-sounding than previously, having left behind the gimmicky and often formless output that she has produced in the past. Unsurprisingly, David Guetta was behind the production, but that production allows the vocals to shine really beautifully.
Kelly Rowlands featuring David Guetta - Commander (Universal)
If i was Guetta, i'd take my name off this project as it is proof he is overstretched at the moment. Think of all the abysmal songs made by American R&B artists about how much they love clubbing. This is worse. Its even worse than Play by Jennifer Lopez. It has no substance at all.
The Black Eyed Peas - Imma Be (Interscope)
Utter bollocks. Most of it is just Will.i.am repeating over and over "Amma be". Pointless drivel.
Robyn - Dancing On My Own (Konichiwa)
Robyn's ability to make modern pop music sound effortless is quite something. Whilst not sounding like anything else on her previous album, this feels familiar and is instantly recognisable both musically and vocally as Robyn's work. Its got more hooks in one song than most of the rest of the top ten put togehter.
Tinie Tempah featuring Labrinth - Frisky (Parlophone)
Now heres a thing; this sounds exactly like Tinie Tempah's last record, right down to the drum and bass bit at the end. If you liked the Pass Out, you'll like this as well. And you'll have a mental age of two to still be impressed by raps which are a charicature of any substance.
David Guetta, Chris Willis, Fergie and LMFAO - Gettin' Over You (Positiva / Virgin)
Guetta's work of late has been patchy and there is little doubt the guy is spreading himself too thinly, but this reworked gem from last years One Love album has been given a bit of an ADHD remix to make it appeal to daytime radio. Chris Willis' vocals are utterly brilliant as always.
Eminem - Not Afraid (Interscope)
Better than lead single from his previous album Crack A Bottle, but it still feels like Marshall is wallowing in a whole swamp of self pity. Obviously he needs to escape from everything to get some fresh inspiration, because theres nothing here to hold a candle to his earlier work.
Jason Derulo - Ridin' Solo (Warners)
Iyaz - Solo (Reprise)
Two reviews for the price of one here. Two JR Rotem songs, probably written concurrently. Iyaz whines tunelessly about not wanting to be S. O. L. O. whereas Derulo is delighted to be Ridin' Solo, which to me sounds like a song all about masturbation. Derulo's is the more listenable and inventive of the two, but they're both caked in enough autotune to sort out a Girls Aloud album.
Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart (J)
Try listening with bleeding ears.
Pixie Lott - Turn It Up (Mercury)
Turn it off. Alright, i'll elaborate; Pixie is busy telling her current squeeze that its over during the verses, then inexplicably heads off into a chorus of "Turn it up, Turn it up". Utter shit from a nasty production line in a country with a dreadful human rights record. Soulless.
Aggro Santos featuring Kimberly Wyatt (Future)
Now for the nastiest record around at the moment. Take a Kesha-esque bleepy background, add one Pussycat Doll to sing the chorus and then taken the rather vile Mr Santos to start rapping about how he expects girls to dance for him whilst he shouts "You, you, you, yeah, you!" at them. Forget the Labour leadership contest being a damning indictment of women's rights, look no further than this crap and the sort of morons who buy it.
Rhianna - Te Amo (Def Jam)
Current album Rated R must be a real heap judging by the singles being released. First we get the pathetic Chris Brown baiting dirge Russian Roulette, then the filthy Rude Boy where the double entendre is about as cloaked as a naked rambler and now this tedious ballad where her nasty nasal vocals sound even more whiny than normal.
Lady Gaga - Alejandro (Interscope)
Talking of barrel scraping from dubious albums... This is the fifty eighth single from The Fame and its various Monster and Remix reincarnations. Its a boring ballad. Scott Mills actually reviewed it better than i possibly could - "If this was by Emma Bunton, you wouldn't care".
Terry Venables - If I Can Dream (Sony)
Best of the sparse collection of football singles around this year. Venables properly belts out this rousing anthem backed by a substantial orchestral arrangement.
Squad - Three Lions 2010 (Parlophone)
Jesus. Who decided there should be an awful cover version of Three Lions, with terrible sound effects and an inexplicable opera singer?
Train - Hey Soul Sister (Columbia)
Now here is 2010's most unexpected comeback. Train (who recorded the similarly slow-burning mainstay of daytime radio Drops of Jupiter in 2001) rely heavily on a ukelele to record this inoffensive, but lively track which builds nicely into the sort of pop song that American bands used to make for a pastime. It makes a really nice break from the over-produced and contentless gunk that tends to come from across the Atlantic at the moment.
Pretty Reckless - Makes Me Wanna Die (Interscope)
This boring fake emo record is made by a band whose lineup keeps changing except for their model frontwoman, which pretty much tells you all you need to know. Its very plastic and about as deep as a puddle.
Kelis - Acapella (Interscope)
Now this is a first - a Kelis record that i actually like. The latest incarnation of pop butterfly Kelis is a much more dancier and European-sounding than previously, having left behind the gimmicky and often formless output that she has produced in the past. Unsurprisingly, David Guetta was behind the production, but that production allows the vocals to shine really beautifully.
Kelly Rowlands featuring David Guetta - Commander (Universal)
If i was Guetta, i'd take my name off this project as it is proof he is overstretched at the moment. Think of all the abysmal songs made by American R&B artists about how much they love clubbing. This is worse. Its even worse than Play by Jennifer Lopez. It has no substance at all.
The Black Eyed Peas - Imma Be (Interscope)
Utter bollocks. Most of it is just Will.i.am repeating over and over "Amma be". Pointless drivel.
Robyn - Dancing On My Own (Konichiwa)
Robyn's ability to make modern pop music sound effortless is quite something. Whilst not sounding like anything else on her previous album, this feels familiar and is instantly recognisable both musically and vocally as Robyn's work. Its got more hooks in one song than most of the rest of the top ten put togehter.
Wednesday 9 June 2010
Tweedledum, Tweedledee and Tweedletwat
Yay. Big Brother 11. More people to make snap judgements upon!
Josie.
Oh joy, a rural Bristolian airhead. And if she's 25, i'm a member of Die Aertze.
Steve.
The ex-Army cripple. Who has eight children. Obviously that didn't get blown up. Do we need another token disabled winner? Perhaps a close view of a British Hero (phrase copyright Murdoch Media) might help dispell the blind worship that our flawed armed forces get.
Ad break. Featuring a car you can't buy.
Ben.
Looks like he's made of plastic. I suspect he's had some work done. Looks like he'd get murdered if he spent twenty minutes in Hartcliffe. Utter cock, the type Jarvis Cocker sang about.
Rachael.
The sort of woman who can be found falling out of any city centre bar in the small hours of Saturday morning. Self obsessed and unable to fully dress herself.
Nathan.
Looks a bit like Robson Green crossed with a Gallagher brother. Loves himself but actually appears to have some practical talent.
Ad break. Crap perfume, crappier celeb magazines and a mobile network nobody subscribes to.
Dave.
Hey hey, its a monk. He leads a religion which praises Christ by being pissed.
Caiomhe.
Come on, thats never a name. Surely she should be auditioning for Bromsgrove's Next Top Model rather than BB? Rebel without a clue.
Govan.
By looks, its the new Science! When he speaks, he's camper than a row of pink tents! Shame he's named after part of Glasgow, but pronounces it incorrectly.
Ad break. Steve Merchant attempts to sell me moneys. Weak film trail. Electronics. Antihystamines. And the fucking Crapple GashPad.
Shabby.
Now that really is not your name. I guarantee it doesn't say that on your birth certificate. Squatter art college twat. Get a fucking job and pay your way in society. I resent subsidising your existence if you're not going to do anything to enrich the world.
Ife.
Pronounced Iffy Cookoo. Sums it up really. Is a very successful dancer who clearly doesn't need more media exposure. How about some normal people instead of the last two stage school dropouts?
John.
Aussie who seems convinced that Britain is some strange new world and he's come to conquer the inept inhabitants. Like Mars or something.
Sunshine.
For fucks sake. Does anybody on this show have a sensible name?!? If she was trying to perform any kind of medical task on me, i'd ask for another doctor. I also couldn't trust anyone who willingly gave themself such a dumb name.
Corin.
Nice Germanic name, although spelt wrongly. Horrible plastic Jordan-alike face. Please can we have some vaguely normal people?
Ad Break. Didn't see what was being whored. Needed a piss.
Housemate Tombola feature. Nice idea. I suspect the random will have the best chance of winning. And the winner is...
Mario.
...is the Mole. Just like on Channel Five. With Glenn Hughill.
Another Ad Break. Smell like Fergie. Build a shed. Get drunk. Eat Cereal. Do Banking. Get drunk again. Eat biscuits.
And so, in conclusion: a couple of fairly normal gents and a lot of very extreme and freakish women. Can't we handle sensible, grounded women on reality TV or something?
Josie.
Oh joy, a rural Bristolian airhead. And if she's 25, i'm a member of Die Aertze.
Steve.
The ex-Army cripple. Who has eight children. Obviously that didn't get blown up. Do we need another token disabled winner? Perhaps a close view of a British Hero (phrase copyright Murdoch Media) might help dispell the blind worship that our flawed armed forces get.
Ad break. Featuring a car you can't buy.
Ben.
Looks like he's made of plastic. I suspect he's had some work done. Looks like he'd get murdered if he spent twenty minutes in Hartcliffe. Utter cock, the type Jarvis Cocker sang about.
Rachael.
The sort of woman who can be found falling out of any city centre bar in the small hours of Saturday morning. Self obsessed and unable to fully dress herself.
Nathan.
Looks a bit like Robson Green crossed with a Gallagher brother. Loves himself but actually appears to have some practical talent.
Ad break. Crap perfume, crappier celeb magazines and a mobile network nobody subscribes to.
Dave.
Hey hey, its a monk. He leads a religion which praises Christ by being pissed.
Caiomhe.
Come on, thats never a name. Surely she should be auditioning for Bromsgrove's Next Top Model rather than BB? Rebel without a clue.
Govan.
By looks, its the new Science! When he speaks, he's camper than a row of pink tents! Shame he's named after part of Glasgow, but pronounces it incorrectly.
Ad break. Steve Merchant attempts to sell me moneys. Weak film trail. Electronics. Antihystamines. And the fucking Crapple GashPad.
Shabby.
Now that really is not your name. I guarantee it doesn't say that on your birth certificate. Squatter art college twat. Get a fucking job and pay your way in society. I resent subsidising your existence if you're not going to do anything to enrich the world.
Ife.
Pronounced Iffy Cookoo. Sums it up really. Is a very successful dancer who clearly doesn't need more media exposure. How about some normal people instead of the last two stage school dropouts?
John.
Aussie who seems convinced that Britain is some strange new world and he's come to conquer the inept inhabitants. Like Mars or something.
Sunshine.
For fucks sake. Does anybody on this show have a sensible name?!? If she was trying to perform any kind of medical task on me, i'd ask for another doctor. I also couldn't trust anyone who willingly gave themself such a dumb name.
Corin.
Nice Germanic name, although spelt wrongly. Horrible plastic Jordan-alike face. Please can we have some vaguely normal people?
Ad Break. Didn't see what was being whored. Needed a piss.
Housemate Tombola feature. Nice idea. I suspect the random will have the best chance of winning. And the winner is...
Mario.
...is the Mole. Just like on Channel Five. With Glenn Hughill.
Another Ad Break. Smell like Fergie. Build a shed. Get drunk. Eat Cereal. Do Banking. Get drunk again. Eat biscuits.
And so, in conclusion: a couple of fairly normal gents and a lot of very extreme and freakish women. Can't we handle sensible, grounded women on reality TV or something?
Monday 7 June 2010
The Horror of Aspiration
Apparently Apple have just launched some new gadget for idiots. Tablet computers (which have been around for over a decade) are the new hot shit on the block and as always, Apple have to rebrand them for a market ready to wet itself with excitement at something glossy. The media have widely reported the major shortcomings in the device itself (inability to multi-task, no support for Flash, fragile touch screen that will look awful after three months) and as always all the content available to the device is tied in to Apple's cash whore vending machine iTunes, but for a change, something else is irritating me...
You see, regularly spending a lot of my time in a major city centre is something which is becoming a more regular occurrence for me and the marketing campaign for the iPad has reached saturation. You can't pass a bus shelter without seeing some tedious activity being pictured, accompanied by some legs (in the obligatorily trendy Gap trousers or leggings) and feet (again, fashionable but bland ballet pumps or shitty daps you'd have laughed at eight years ago). One of these adverts in particular has jumped out at me - it contains a collection of photo albums with painfully aspirational covers - New York, Woodland Walk, Skiing, The Dog, yadda yadda. The pictures featured on the covers of these albums mostly feature children (presumably intended to be those of the user, and all painfully cutesy), with some featuring landmarks or landscapes. None of them feature the apparent user of the iPad. Perhaps they hate themselves too much for being sucked in by vacuous marketing.
So what conclusions can we draw from these observations? The Apple sanctioned, ideal iPad user is somebody who wears bland fashions, has a comfortable home life, takes lots of holidays and is probably spiritually completely unfulfilled and left empty by their existence. Meanwhile, i'm sat here writing this on my Samsung netbook which cost me about half of what an iPad would and does considerably more with no discernable disadvantage, but i'm obviously not aspirational enough to own one.
You see, regularly spending a lot of my time in a major city centre is something which is becoming a more regular occurrence for me and the marketing campaign for the iPad has reached saturation. You can't pass a bus shelter without seeing some tedious activity being pictured, accompanied by some legs (in the obligatorily trendy Gap trousers or leggings) and feet (again, fashionable but bland ballet pumps or shitty daps you'd have laughed at eight years ago). One of these adverts in particular has jumped out at me - it contains a collection of photo albums with painfully aspirational covers - New York, Woodland Walk, Skiing, The Dog, yadda yadda. The pictures featured on the covers of these albums mostly feature children (presumably intended to be those of the user, and all painfully cutesy), with some featuring landmarks or landscapes. None of them feature the apparent user of the iPad. Perhaps they hate themselves too much for being sucked in by vacuous marketing.
So what conclusions can we draw from these observations? The Apple sanctioned, ideal iPad user is somebody who wears bland fashions, has a comfortable home life, takes lots of holidays and is probably spiritually completely unfulfilled and left empty by their existence. Meanwhile, i'm sat here writing this on my Samsung netbook which cost me about half of what an iPad would and does considerably more with no discernable disadvantage, but i'm obviously not aspirational enough to own one.
Sunday 2 May 2010
Full of Glee
I don't get the Glee craze at all. Maybe its because i'm a geriatric man in my thirties who treats all youth culture with disdain and cynicism, but i think its more likely its because it is mind-bendingly awful. With the start of their second series, their latest move in cash-in marketing is to start doing terrible cover versions of Madonna songs, with plastic backing tracks and even more plastic stage school vocals. This follows two equally mind-numbing albums from the first series which featured songs by a variety of artists similarly murdered.
I think the biggest problem here is that it doesn't seem to be reaching saturation point, despite the fact they've knocked out three albums within six months and another will follow later this month. No other phenomenon has ever managed to flog this much shit in such a short time, which i think is an indication of how hype rather than substance is the most important factor to the iPod generation. Glee is a marketing system and nothing else - scripts are produced by battery farmed writers and filmed in a similar way, the TV show promotes the music that you can buy on iTunes as soon as its over, the DVD sets are released as soon as the series finishes and the idiots who are sucked in by it will go out and buy the hoodies, t-shirts, stationery and accessories that go with it. The whole thing just stinks of breeding a new generation of hyperconsumers.
I think the biggest problem here is that it doesn't seem to be reaching saturation point, despite the fact they've knocked out three albums within six months and another will follow later this month. No other phenomenon has ever managed to flog this much shit in such a short time, which i think is an indication of how hype rather than substance is the most important factor to the iPod generation. Glee is a marketing system and nothing else - scripts are produced by battery farmed writers and filmed in a similar way, the TV show promotes the music that you can buy on iTunes as soon as its over, the DVD sets are released as soon as the series finishes and the idiots who are sucked in by it will go out and buy the hoodies, t-shirts, stationery and accessories that go with it. The whole thing just stinks of breeding a new generation of hyperconsumers.
The Real Forced Jollity
Two years ago the NME delivered a review of the Guillemots second album Red. The lead single from it was Get Over It, which they accused of being an exercise in "forced jollity". Now i've always thought it was rather unfair and since lead singer Fyfe Dangerfield has released his solo material, it has gone some way to proving that the jollity was genuine.
Anyway, this review was recently brought back to my memory when i heard the new single by grime goons Roll Deep. Up to this point, Roll Deep's previous chart success had been two singles - The Avenue and Shake A Leg, both released in 2005 and neither of which set the world alight. Nevertheless, Roll Deep member Wiley was quite happy to quote them both as past achievements in his December 2009 single Take That.
Now obviously the grime scene has become massively commercialised since Dizzee Rascal realised he could make some serious cash from it and Roll Deep have been the latest act to capitalise with their weak-as-piss offering Good Times. Songs about clubbing and partying are two-a-penny at the moment, each seemingly less genuine than the last. If Kesha isn't telling us about how she parties until the "Po Po" shuts her down, then its the Black Eyed Peas are sounding bored whilst promoting alcoholism as a lifestyle.
Perhaps its because i'm more tuned in to British productions, but Roll Deep sound as if they're just milking this craze for all its worth. Any session music writer could manufacture this sort of junk, just throw in a few lines about clubbing, some about drinking, a few more about girls looking well fine, a chorus about having a great party and you've got a hit record. Any idiot can do it, and for the moment it looks like they are.
Anyway, this review was recently brought back to my memory when i heard the new single by grime goons Roll Deep. Up to this point, Roll Deep's previous chart success had been two singles - The Avenue and Shake A Leg, both released in 2005 and neither of which set the world alight. Nevertheless, Roll Deep member Wiley was quite happy to quote them both as past achievements in his December 2009 single Take That.
Now obviously the grime scene has become massively commercialised since Dizzee Rascal realised he could make some serious cash from it and Roll Deep have been the latest act to capitalise with their weak-as-piss offering Good Times. Songs about clubbing and partying are two-a-penny at the moment, each seemingly less genuine than the last. If Kesha isn't telling us about how she parties until the "Po Po" shuts her down, then its the Black Eyed Peas are sounding bored whilst promoting alcoholism as a lifestyle.
Perhaps its because i'm more tuned in to British productions, but Roll Deep sound as if they're just milking this craze for all its worth. Any session music writer could manufacture this sort of junk, just throw in a few lines about clubbing, some about drinking, a few more about girls looking well fine, a chorus about having a great party and you've got a hit record. Any idiot can do it, and for the moment it looks like they are.
Thursday 8 April 2010
Pass the anti-depressants...
I'll start off being positive: I went to see dan le sac vs Scroobius Pip in Bristol a week or so back and they were brilliant. They certainly know how to run a superb show and make the crowd feel special. The support acts (B Dolan and Sound of Rum) were also brilliant. In particular, Kate Tempest off of Sound of Rum is one of the most capitvatingly intense performers i've ever seen and B Dolan is the perfect antidote to all the bullshit rap we get in the world about money, cars, females of poor morals and guns, even if he is quite a scary prospect in that boilersuit.
On to the reviews...
Jay-Z - On To The Next One (Roc Nation)
Now don't get me wrong, i like a bit of nightmarish music at times. Bodycrash by Buy Now is one of my favourite tunes ever and could quite happily be the soundtrack to a terrible dream where nothing makes any sense, but something is missing here. Jay-Z has barely any flow over this and the lyrics are piss poor by his standards. After a while the backing track (a perpetually looped choral chant of the title) gets irritating beyond words. Is this really the man that captivated Glastonbury's main stage being this lazy and derivative?
Gramaphonedzie - Why Don't You (Positiva)
Now this is interesting - a Serbian production duo take a remastered Peggy Lee track and give it a disjoined electronic makeover. Despite the massive reliance on the sample, it ironically sounds more original than 90% of the daytime radio output of the UK and would probably give the average listener to Heart a seizure. It'll be interesting to here if they (apparently Gramaphonedzie is a duo) can follow it up with something else similarly interesting. Best version doing the rounds has been aired several times on Chris Moyles' Radio 1 show which simply puts a minute and a half of the original track in the middle.
Ke$ha ft 3oh3 - Blah Blah Blah (RCA)
More autotune. More bleepy music. More drunken slurring. Awful.
Pixie Lott - Gravity (Mercury)
...is the same song as Jordin Sparks' "No Air". Except that Jordin Sparks can actually sing whereas this vile little turd of stage school detritis just sounds boring. I'm actually tempted to write a complete deconstruction of the Pixie Lott brand and album, but i've got better things to do with my time, like watching Total Wipeout and laughing as people fall in the water. Look! He fell in the water!
Gabriella Cilmi - On A Mission (Island)
Jesus. Where did this come from? A modern, high paced and punchy powerpop song (albeit with slightly tinny and unconvincing backing which sounds a bit like Van Halen's "Jump") from the girl who spent most of the year before last singing about how there is nothing sweet about her. Nothing sweet about her. Ye-aa-eh. Well, apparently she's now a woman on a mission and based on previous experience, i'm struggling to take it seriously.
Chiddy Bang - Opposite of Adults (Regal)
Factual review time: MGMT's "Kids" gets sampled badly for weak hip hop record.
Young Money featuring Lloyd - Bedrock (Cash Money)
Call him Mr Flintstone, he can make your bedrock. D'you see what he did there? Isn't it clever? Well actually, no it isn't. Its pathetic. This record only appeals to those with an IQ so low that you can count to it in single digit binary.
Lady Gaga ft Beyonce - Telephone (Interscrape)
Another bloody Lady Gaga song about a mobile? Really? Is there any need? And this is such a weak premise for a song. If somebody keeps phoning you and its irritating, TURN YOUR FUCKING PHONE OFF. Beyonce guests to sing about how somebody phoning you is a disaster. Disaster, eh? Must be something like a Haitian earthquake then, i'd guess. Get over your pathetic little selves, both of you.
On to the reviews...
Jay-Z - On To The Next One (Roc Nation)
Now don't get me wrong, i like a bit of nightmarish music at times. Bodycrash by Buy Now is one of my favourite tunes ever and could quite happily be the soundtrack to a terrible dream where nothing makes any sense, but something is missing here. Jay-Z has barely any flow over this and the lyrics are piss poor by his standards. After a while the backing track (a perpetually looped choral chant of the title) gets irritating beyond words. Is this really the man that captivated Glastonbury's main stage being this lazy and derivative?
Gramaphonedzie - Why Don't You (Positiva)
Now this is interesting - a Serbian production duo take a remastered Peggy Lee track and give it a disjoined electronic makeover. Despite the massive reliance on the sample, it ironically sounds more original than 90% of the daytime radio output of the UK and would probably give the average listener to Heart a seizure. It'll be interesting to here if they (apparently Gramaphonedzie is a duo) can follow it up with something else similarly interesting. Best version doing the rounds has been aired several times on Chris Moyles' Radio 1 show which simply puts a minute and a half of the original track in the middle.
Ke$ha ft 3oh3 - Blah Blah Blah (RCA)
More autotune. More bleepy music. More drunken slurring. Awful.
Pixie Lott - Gravity (Mercury)
...is the same song as Jordin Sparks' "No Air". Except that Jordin Sparks can actually sing whereas this vile little turd of stage school detritis just sounds boring. I'm actually tempted to write a complete deconstruction of the Pixie Lott brand and album, but i've got better things to do with my time, like watching Total Wipeout and laughing as people fall in the water. Look! He fell in the water!
Gabriella Cilmi - On A Mission (Island)
Jesus. Where did this come from? A modern, high paced and punchy powerpop song (albeit with slightly tinny and unconvincing backing which sounds a bit like Van Halen's "Jump") from the girl who spent most of the year before last singing about how there is nothing sweet about her. Nothing sweet about her. Ye-aa-eh. Well, apparently she's now a woman on a mission and based on previous experience, i'm struggling to take it seriously.
Chiddy Bang - Opposite of Adults (Regal)
Factual review time: MGMT's "Kids" gets sampled badly for weak hip hop record.
Young Money featuring Lloyd - Bedrock (Cash Money)
Call him Mr Flintstone, he can make your bedrock. D'you see what he did there? Isn't it clever? Well actually, no it isn't. Its pathetic. This record only appeals to those with an IQ so low that you can count to it in single digit binary.
Lady Gaga ft Beyonce - Telephone (Interscrape)
Another bloody Lady Gaga song about a mobile? Really? Is there any need? And this is such a weak premise for a song. If somebody keeps phoning you and its irritating, TURN YOUR FUCKING PHONE OFF. Beyonce guests to sing about how somebody phoning you is a disaster. Disaster, eh? Must be something like a Haitian earthquake then, i'd guess. Get over your pathetic little selves, both of you.
Thursday 25 February 2010
And the sound of 2010 is... Paedo-pop
Loads of hype. Loads of excitement. Loads of DJs being paid to ignore their instinct and proclaim everything is brilliant. You could almost tell the BBC Sound of 2010 poll results were in.
But before we get to the winner, lets look at some of the other nominees...
Delphic are supposed to be the new prodigies in the "grumpy toddler band" market. Having performed one of the most bizarre interviews i've ever heard with the normally very adaptable Zane Lowe, they make epic soundscape indie and its rather dull.
Owl City didn't make the top five acts, which explains why the odd little bedroom cheese fest Fireflies went to number one shortly after the results were announced. Without doubt a one hit wonder, much like the Buggles who sound strangely familiar.
Marina and the Diamonds are the new Blondie. Not that we needed a new Blondie, particularly one that isn't quite as good and sounds a bit contrived. However, given the state of everything else that has been promoted, i can cope with them for now.
Everything Everything are possibly named after the Underworld live album of the same name, although i doubt it. Their description on the BBC's website is almost identical to that of Delphic and they sound like Maximo Park on a rainy Monday afternoon when Paul Smith has run out of biscuits.
Daisy Dares You are (or is) a 16 year old sixth former direct from stage school. But because she's a blonde and pretty 16 year old sixth former direct from stage school, she's apparently brilliant. Perhaps if her voice wasn't so squeaky and whiny, and her lyrics so trite and repetitive, there might be the makings of a vaguely decent act as the music isn't too bad when she shuts up. Just to irritate me even more, the omnipotent Chipmunk shows up on her debut mainstream single Number One Enemy to spout off about how Daisy's bout to taaaake off.
Now just in case Ms Daisy Dares You Coburn wasn't enough to get Gary Glitter all hot under the collar, we have this year's winner...
Ellie Goulding is 21 years old, blonde and has an odd shaped mouth. Unfortunately what comes from that mouth is a Bjork on helium-esque squeak which makes her sound about eight years old. Given that her records which have so far received airplay are about "all the boys before", "We're under the sheets, killing me" and "Next thing, we're touching", it all just sounds wrong to me. Very, very wrong. Of course, its all put together with barely any actual content, tons of autotune, even more production gimmicks and stupid sampling which makes it sound like Goulding actually is an eight year old with really bad ADHD.
Obviously actually writing songs wasn't a requirement for shortlisting in this year's poll, but sounding like jailbait was.
But before we get to the winner, lets look at some of the other nominees...
Delphic are supposed to be the new prodigies in the "grumpy toddler band" market. Having performed one of the most bizarre interviews i've ever heard with the normally very adaptable Zane Lowe, they make epic soundscape indie and its rather dull.
Owl City didn't make the top five acts, which explains why the odd little bedroom cheese fest Fireflies went to number one shortly after the results were announced. Without doubt a one hit wonder, much like the Buggles who sound strangely familiar.
Marina and the Diamonds are the new Blondie. Not that we needed a new Blondie, particularly one that isn't quite as good and sounds a bit contrived. However, given the state of everything else that has been promoted, i can cope with them for now.
Everything Everything are possibly named after the Underworld live album of the same name, although i doubt it. Their description on the BBC's website is almost identical to that of Delphic and they sound like Maximo Park on a rainy Monday afternoon when Paul Smith has run out of biscuits.
Daisy Dares You are (or is) a 16 year old sixth former direct from stage school. But because she's a blonde and pretty 16 year old sixth former direct from stage school, she's apparently brilliant. Perhaps if her voice wasn't so squeaky and whiny, and her lyrics so trite and repetitive, there might be the makings of a vaguely decent act as the music isn't too bad when she shuts up. Just to irritate me even more, the omnipotent Chipmunk shows up on her debut mainstream single Number One Enemy to spout off about how Daisy's bout to taaaake off.
Now just in case Ms Daisy Dares You Coburn wasn't enough to get Gary Glitter all hot under the collar, we have this year's winner...
Ellie Goulding is 21 years old, blonde and has an odd shaped mouth. Unfortunately what comes from that mouth is a Bjork on helium-esque squeak which makes her sound about eight years old. Given that her records which have so far received airplay are about "all the boys before", "We're under the sheets, killing me" and "Next thing, we're touching", it all just sounds wrong to me. Very, very wrong. Of course, its all put together with barely any actual content, tons of autotune, even more production gimmicks and stupid sampling which makes it sound like Goulding actually is an eight year old with really bad ADHD.
Obviously actually writing songs wasn't a requirement for shortlisting in this year's poll, but sounding like jailbait was.
Tuesday 5 January 2010
THE TURDS ON A STICK for 2009
Right. I've been as positive as i can for a couple of hours of writing. Now for the other side of the coin.
WORST RECORD OF THE YEAR: Ke$ha - Tik Tok
This is now the most irritating record of the year, narrowly beating Ciara's "Love Sex Magic". I don't care if you woke up in the morning feeling like P Diddy. You clearly have an alcohol abuse problem which needs medical (or more likely psychiatric) care. In my book that isn't the basis for a record that twelve year olds will find more addictive than mobile phones caked in crack.
HEARTSINK ARTIST OF THE YEAR: Little Boots
This was a tightly contested category, a heartsink artist being one whose records prompt you to instantly turn the radio off. For me, Victoria Little Boots Hesketh was the one. Her brand of tedious electro-pop is so fake and contrived that it makes Joe McElderry look like a roadie for Megadeth. My ire was first raised by her during coverage of Glastonbury when she looked as if she'd rather be queueing for a burger than performing her four songs on stage. At the end, the interviewer was more interested in talking about her dress than the music, which said it all to me. Add to this that Remedy seemed to be played by every radio station in the country in its entirety (even by Kiss who always edit songs down to below two minutes so they can fit in more commercials) and you had the perfect recipe for a heartsink artist.
Runner up: La Roux for her inane choruses.
BIGGEST HEAD OF THE YEAR: Simon Cowell
OK, so its a bit of an obvious choice but hopefully Cowell learned from the Christmas Number One situation that he doesn't control the country, which hopefully will have put paid to his desire to make a "Politics X-Factor". It is easy to say things that idiots like, as is obvious by the stupidly large number of groups on Facebook that people will subscribe to on a knee-jerk whim, but that doesn't mean that politics should be the same. Politics should be about challenging the society we live in, in order to improve it, not saying something that makes the crowd whoop like morons.
WORST RADIO STATION OF THE YEAR: Heart
The rebranding exercise of Heart this year, taking over dozens of respected local commercial radio identities was a disaster. Their insistence on playing a bland, middle of the road playlist combined with z-list "big name" presenters and increased networked programming has been a recipe for falling listener numbers across the board.
WORST BROADCASTER OF THE YEAR: Sara Cox
I've tried to like Sara Cox. It'd make my life a hell of a lot easier if i did as she always seems to be subbing for somebody on Radio 1. But its no good, i can't get over her bigheaded, self obsessed manner which irritates me to hell. She pays no attention to the audience of her programmes, delivering the same dreck whether she's on Sunday morning, covering for Scott Mills or Fearne Cotton.
Runners up: Dev for being the worst local radio jock to get on to national radio since Emma Forbes. Nick Grimshaw for similar self-obsession to Cox. Jeremy Vine for being patronising. Steve Wright for delivering the same shit he's done for twenty years. Toby Anstiss for being the worst of Heart's z-listers.
MOST STUPID EARWORM OF THE YEAR: Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
For what is otherwise quite a good song, the ridiculous "Ga ga ra ra ra" intro which resurfaces several times during the three minute run just wrecks it completely in order to make it irresistable to toddlers and the mentally ill.
THE APPLE AWARD FOR SERVICES TO KILL THE MUSIC INDUSTRY: Jonathan Reuven Rotem
Who? You may ask. If you've heard any mainstream radio, you're bound to have heard some of his work. He specialises in making records which all sound the same and all have an irritating "J-j-j-jay-arr" stamped on them like a branding iron on the ass of a wild west bull. Not content with doing this, he's also started stamping the name of his production company (Beluga Heights) on some records as well. His shitology for 2009 includes JLS (Everybody in Love), autotune disaster area Jason Derulo (Whatcha Say) and most irritatingly of all Iyaz (Replay), all branded with his earworm which no doubt earns his royalties from each play. Along with similar producer-branding-freak Red One, i hope his shitifying* dreck falls from favour before 2010 gets properly underway and he can crawl back under whichever rock he came from.
* - with thanks to Charlie Brooker.
WORST RECORD OF THE YEAR: Ke$ha - Tik Tok
This is now the most irritating record of the year, narrowly beating Ciara's "Love Sex Magic". I don't care if you woke up in the morning feeling like P Diddy. You clearly have an alcohol abuse problem which needs medical (or more likely psychiatric) care. In my book that isn't the basis for a record that twelve year olds will find more addictive than mobile phones caked in crack.
HEARTSINK ARTIST OF THE YEAR: Little Boots
This was a tightly contested category, a heartsink artist being one whose records prompt you to instantly turn the radio off. For me, Victoria Little Boots Hesketh was the one. Her brand of tedious electro-pop is so fake and contrived that it makes Joe McElderry look like a roadie for Megadeth. My ire was first raised by her during coverage of Glastonbury when she looked as if she'd rather be queueing for a burger than performing her four songs on stage. At the end, the interviewer was more interested in talking about her dress than the music, which said it all to me. Add to this that Remedy seemed to be played by every radio station in the country in its entirety (even by Kiss who always edit songs down to below two minutes so they can fit in more commercials) and you had the perfect recipe for a heartsink artist.
Runner up: La Roux for her inane choruses.
BIGGEST HEAD OF THE YEAR: Simon Cowell
OK, so its a bit of an obvious choice but hopefully Cowell learned from the Christmas Number One situation that he doesn't control the country, which hopefully will have put paid to his desire to make a "Politics X-Factor". It is easy to say things that idiots like, as is obvious by the stupidly large number of groups on Facebook that people will subscribe to on a knee-jerk whim, but that doesn't mean that politics should be the same. Politics should be about challenging the society we live in, in order to improve it, not saying something that makes the crowd whoop like morons.
WORST RADIO STATION OF THE YEAR: Heart
The rebranding exercise of Heart this year, taking over dozens of respected local commercial radio identities was a disaster. Their insistence on playing a bland, middle of the road playlist combined with z-list "big name" presenters and increased networked programming has been a recipe for falling listener numbers across the board.
WORST BROADCASTER OF THE YEAR: Sara Cox
I've tried to like Sara Cox. It'd make my life a hell of a lot easier if i did as she always seems to be subbing for somebody on Radio 1. But its no good, i can't get over her bigheaded, self obsessed manner which irritates me to hell. She pays no attention to the audience of her programmes, delivering the same dreck whether she's on Sunday morning, covering for Scott Mills or Fearne Cotton.
Runners up: Dev for being the worst local radio jock to get on to national radio since Emma Forbes. Nick Grimshaw for similar self-obsession to Cox. Jeremy Vine for being patronising. Steve Wright for delivering the same shit he's done for twenty years. Toby Anstiss for being the worst of Heart's z-listers.
MOST STUPID EARWORM OF THE YEAR: Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
For what is otherwise quite a good song, the ridiculous "Ga ga ra ra ra" intro which resurfaces several times during the three minute run just wrecks it completely in order to make it irresistable to toddlers and the mentally ill.
THE APPLE AWARD FOR SERVICES TO KILL THE MUSIC INDUSTRY: Jonathan Reuven Rotem
Who? You may ask. If you've heard any mainstream radio, you're bound to have heard some of his work. He specialises in making records which all sound the same and all have an irritating "J-j-j-jay-arr" stamped on them like a branding iron on the ass of a wild west bull. Not content with doing this, he's also started stamping the name of his production company (Beluga Heights) on some records as well. His shitology for 2009 includes JLS (Everybody in Love), autotune disaster area Jason Derulo (Whatcha Say) and most irritatingly of all Iyaz (Replay), all branded with his earworm which no doubt earns his royalties from each play. Along with similar producer-branding-freak Red One, i hope his shitifying* dreck falls from favour before 2010 gets properly underway and he can crawl back under whichever rock he came from.
* - with thanks to Charlie Brooker.
THE JOPI AWARDS for 2009
Its that time of year when reviews of the one just gone are all the rage. Here we proudly present the Jopi Awards for 2009. As regular readers to this blog would expect, these are split between those commending the brilliant and those damning the terrible. We'll start with the positive...
SONG OF THE YEAR: Robbie Williams - Bodies
This was without doubt, the biggest moment i had this year with popular music. There are certain records that make you sit up and listen, or confuse you, or all of the above and this was one of them. Bodies is a superb song, a million miles from the mass produced R&B tedium with varying rhythms, distinct sections of the song, choirs, God botherer baiting lyrics, electronic bleeps and sweeping strings all within three minutes flat. Follow up single "You Know Me" found Williams back on more regular territory to keep the Radio 2 followers happy, but Bodies was the standout track from the Reality Killed The Video Star album.
Worthwhile mentions: Just Jack for Embers and The Day I Died.
SINGLE OF THE YEAR: Starsailor - Tell Me Its Not Over
Single of the Year is awarded to a brilliant song which came bundled with other wonderments on a variety of formats. Starsailor's criminally ignored anthem was backed up on the CD single with "In Their World", a terrific garage rock stomp which most bands would love to have as a lead single, let alone a B-side. The 7" featured the fine Ronnie Wood collaboration "All The Plans" and as part of my £3 bundle, i also received a download of a very acomplished acoustic version of the lead track. My only criticism would be that i'd prefer the four tracks on one CD single for £3, but that wouldn't get Starsailor three sales for the price of one now, would it?
Worthwhile mention: Florence and the Machine for producing a substantial series of CD singles from the "Lungs" album.
ALBUM OF THE YEAR: Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
Phoenix are finally getting some recognition for their whimsical and distinctly European pop. Wolfgang deservedly gained them a lot of exposure both in the UK and the USA and in the true tradition of Sebastien Tellier and Daft Punk before them, tracks from the album are being snapped up for use on advertising. The album itself is a joyful experience from the opening of Lisztomania (perhaps its most immediate track) through to Armistice, it has the feel of a complete work rather than a collection of singles. In a year when there was so much hype over so little substance, this was head and shoulders above the opposition.
Worthwhile mention: Chris Moyles' Parody Album was very good, although perhaps the production overshadowed the passion that was felt in the originals made for radio.
RADIO STATION OF THE YEAR: Studio Brussel (Belgium)
Whilst i love Radio 1 for Chris Moyles, Scott Mills and Rob da Bank; Kiss 101 for Kisstory; Radio Bristol for Steve Yabsley and Radio 4 for their comedy output, the one radio station that has consisitently woken me up by playing something brilliant and unexpected is Belgium's Vlaamse wonder - Studio Brussel. Their playlist is a diverse mix of alternative, indie, electronica, rock and everything else in between, oh and Simple Minds. The presentation is snappy, the station imaging is clean and crisp and the music is superb. And that is before we get anywhere near the weekend evenings "Switch" strand which combines new, underground and classic electronic music into several exciting hours of programming.
As an added bonus, the station also put huge efforts into producing compilation CDs related to their programming for the relatively small Flemish market, just in case you get withdrawl from when away from Belgium or an internet connection.
Luister (Listen) Live at: http://www.stubru.be/
MUSIC RADIO SHOW OF THE YEAR: Alex Metric on Radio 1
Although Alex Metric's shows aren't a regular fixture on Radio 1, they are superbly compiled collections of the more mainstream parts of current electronica. Metric himself is a knowledgeable presenter, who clearly loves his subject matter without getting slurry and random enough to not be able to pronounce artist and song names properly (as Pete Tong often does). Whilst other specialist DJs have a far bigger following, Alex Metric's playlist bring his show head and shoulders above anything else on British radio.
Worthwhile mentions: Rob da Bank's Radio 1 show continues to be a superb listen, even if it is scheduled appallingly. Andy Howard's Morning Glory on BBC Radio Bristol and Somerset suffers similarly. As a one off show, Studio Brussel's The Greatest Switch was a phenomenal eight hours of programming.
FACTUAL RADIO SHOW OF THE YEAR: M1 - Modernist Marvel (John Hegley, BBC Radio 4)
John Hegley is an underappreciated gem of Great Britain and this half hour of whimsical stories, poetry and folk songs on the construction and birth of the M1 was the most beautiful chunk of broadcasting i heard this year. The show was remiscent of Sir John Betjeman's Metroland, combining the beauty of the theory with the grime of the reality although doing so in such a way which made the two seem almost interchangeable. Radio 4 excel in producing these one-off half hour long programmes which often make the listener wish they were much longer or part of a series.
SPORT RADIO SHOW OF THE YEAR: Danny Baker (BBC Five Live)
As somebody without a strong interest in football, Danny Baker's Pirate show with Izzy Clarke on Saturday mornings shouldn't appeal to me, but his strong presentation style and scattergun approach to topics are compelling listening. It possibly has something to do with the fact that the show doesn't revolve around football in a purist sense, but heads metaphorically off into the alleyways around the grounds, searching for the small stories that make the experience. In the later part of the year, the show notably spread to other sports (including several brilliant segments on Crazy Golf) which only served to spread its appeal even further.
Worthwhile mention: Fighting Talk follows Danny Baker's show on Saturday mornings and is also brilliant.
COMEDY RADIO SHOW OF THE YEAR: Bigipedia (Radio 4)
In the true spirit of brilliant radio comedies such as The Sunday Format (which transferred to TV as Broken News), Bigipedia mercilessly mocks Wikipedia and internet forums. Hearing the scrawlings of the internet transferred to a radio presentation shouldn't be funny at all, but the skilled team behind Bigipedia have made it hilariously funny.
Worthwhile mentions: Radio 4's Hut 33 continues to be entertaining, as was fantasy sitcom Elvenquest. Jack Dee is proving to be a worthy chairman on the newly invigourated I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.
BROADCASTER OF THE YEAR: Steve Yabsley (BBC Radio Bristol / Somerset)
I've written many paragraphs on Steve Yabsley over the past year, but his show is so consistently entertaining that it is always a pleasure to listen to. With a skeleton staff at the Bristol studio, Yabbo manages to produce a well refined and highly creative product with more ideas going into each show than most local radio stations manage in a year. Producing over 200 shows a year clearly hasn't dented the inventive streak involved in the programme and it remains consistently brilliant.
Worthwhile mention: Mark "Chappers" Chapman, who bowed out of Radio 1 after many years of grumpy Mancunian service, and being a consistently entertaining voice of reason on the station. He will be much missed compared to the depressingly airheaded mixture of self-obsessed morons who seem to be taking over Radio 1. By my reckoning the last Chappers and Dave show aired in July 2009.
LIVE ACT OF THE YEAR: Phoenix
For many of the same reasons as why Phoenix's album was the best of the year, their live show is similarly brilliant. Their music stands up superbly live, with the band clearly loving their job and performing a tight yet joyous set with loads of energy, particularly in the rhythm section.
In terms of the set list, they play a mixture of their new album and the best known songs from their previous albums, basically something for anybody who has ever enjoyed the band's music.
Clearly the moody French stereotype doesn't apply here.
MUSIC RETAILER OF THE YEAR: Acorn Music, Yeovil
There are so few record shops in the vicinity of me now that this category isn't particularly heavily contested. Acorn in Yeovil remain the best pick of the bunch, striving to continue to provide a wide variety of music whilst diversifying a little in order to pay the bills (such as into sheet music).
Worthwhile mentions: Sound Knowledge, Marlborough is rammed full of competitively priced stock and the staff are (as would be expected) knowledgeable. Gatefield Sounds, Whitstable also remains busy whenever i have visited and has the feel of a proper old-school independent record shop.
HOPE FOR 2010...
I've heard lots of hype about these "Sound of 2010" lists, but i can't say that any of the music fills me with enthusiasm. Especially not weak rehashings of Blondie, eh Marina and the Diamonds? So my hope for the year ahead is that the Euro weakens against the pound, so that i can afford to go over to Belgium and stock up on Studio Brussel CDs that i haven't been able to buy this year. Or to Germany and buy a heap of albums that i've been waiting to get, but can't bring myself to spend getting on for £20 on by mail order.
SONG OF THE YEAR: Robbie Williams - Bodies
This was without doubt, the biggest moment i had this year with popular music. There are certain records that make you sit up and listen, or confuse you, or all of the above and this was one of them. Bodies is a superb song, a million miles from the mass produced R&B tedium with varying rhythms, distinct sections of the song, choirs, God botherer baiting lyrics, electronic bleeps and sweeping strings all within three minutes flat. Follow up single "You Know Me" found Williams back on more regular territory to keep the Radio 2 followers happy, but Bodies was the standout track from the Reality Killed The Video Star album.
Worthwhile mentions: Just Jack for Embers and The Day I Died.
SINGLE OF THE YEAR: Starsailor - Tell Me Its Not Over
Single of the Year is awarded to a brilliant song which came bundled with other wonderments on a variety of formats. Starsailor's criminally ignored anthem was backed up on the CD single with "In Their World", a terrific garage rock stomp which most bands would love to have as a lead single, let alone a B-side. The 7" featured the fine Ronnie Wood collaboration "All The Plans" and as part of my £3 bundle, i also received a download of a very acomplished acoustic version of the lead track. My only criticism would be that i'd prefer the four tracks on one CD single for £3, but that wouldn't get Starsailor three sales for the price of one now, would it?
Worthwhile mention: Florence and the Machine for producing a substantial series of CD singles from the "Lungs" album.
ALBUM OF THE YEAR: Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
Phoenix are finally getting some recognition for their whimsical and distinctly European pop. Wolfgang deservedly gained them a lot of exposure both in the UK and the USA and in the true tradition of Sebastien Tellier and Daft Punk before them, tracks from the album are being snapped up for use on advertising. The album itself is a joyful experience from the opening of Lisztomania (perhaps its most immediate track) through to Armistice, it has the feel of a complete work rather than a collection of singles. In a year when there was so much hype over so little substance, this was head and shoulders above the opposition.
Worthwhile mention: Chris Moyles' Parody Album was very good, although perhaps the production overshadowed the passion that was felt in the originals made for radio.
RADIO STATION OF THE YEAR: Studio Brussel (Belgium)
Whilst i love Radio 1 for Chris Moyles, Scott Mills and Rob da Bank; Kiss 101 for Kisstory; Radio Bristol for Steve Yabsley and Radio 4 for their comedy output, the one radio station that has consisitently woken me up by playing something brilliant and unexpected is Belgium's Vlaamse wonder - Studio Brussel. Their playlist is a diverse mix of alternative, indie, electronica, rock and everything else in between, oh and Simple Minds. The presentation is snappy, the station imaging is clean and crisp and the music is superb. And that is before we get anywhere near the weekend evenings "Switch" strand which combines new, underground and classic electronic music into several exciting hours of programming.
As an added bonus, the station also put huge efforts into producing compilation CDs related to their programming for the relatively small Flemish market, just in case you get withdrawl from when away from Belgium or an internet connection.
Luister (Listen) Live at: http://www.stubru.be/
MUSIC RADIO SHOW OF THE YEAR: Alex Metric on Radio 1
Although Alex Metric's shows aren't a regular fixture on Radio 1, they are superbly compiled collections of the more mainstream parts of current electronica. Metric himself is a knowledgeable presenter, who clearly loves his subject matter without getting slurry and random enough to not be able to pronounce artist and song names properly (as Pete Tong often does). Whilst other specialist DJs have a far bigger following, Alex Metric's playlist bring his show head and shoulders above anything else on British radio.
Worthwhile mentions: Rob da Bank's Radio 1 show continues to be a superb listen, even if it is scheduled appallingly. Andy Howard's Morning Glory on BBC Radio Bristol and Somerset suffers similarly. As a one off show, Studio Brussel's The Greatest Switch was a phenomenal eight hours of programming.
FACTUAL RADIO SHOW OF THE YEAR: M1 - Modernist Marvel (John Hegley, BBC Radio 4)
John Hegley is an underappreciated gem of Great Britain and this half hour of whimsical stories, poetry and folk songs on the construction and birth of the M1 was the most beautiful chunk of broadcasting i heard this year. The show was remiscent of Sir John Betjeman's Metroland, combining the beauty of the theory with the grime of the reality although doing so in such a way which made the two seem almost interchangeable. Radio 4 excel in producing these one-off half hour long programmes which often make the listener wish they were much longer or part of a series.
SPORT RADIO SHOW OF THE YEAR: Danny Baker (BBC Five Live)
As somebody without a strong interest in football, Danny Baker's Pirate show with Izzy Clarke on Saturday mornings shouldn't appeal to me, but his strong presentation style and scattergun approach to topics are compelling listening. It possibly has something to do with the fact that the show doesn't revolve around football in a purist sense, but heads metaphorically off into the alleyways around the grounds, searching for the small stories that make the experience. In the later part of the year, the show notably spread to other sports (including several brilliant segments on Crazy Golf) which only served to spread its appeal even further.
Worthwhile mention: Fighting Talk follows Danny Baker's show on Saturday mornings and is also brilliant.
COMEDY RADIO SHOW OF THE YEAR: Bigipedia (Radio 4)
In the true spirit of brilliant radio comedies such as The Sunday Format (which transferred to TV as Broken News), Bigipedia mercilessly mocks Wikipedia and internet forums. Hearing the scrawlings of the internet transferred to a radio presentation shouldn't be funny at all, but the skilled team behind Bigipedia have made it hilariously funny.
Worthwhile mentions: Radio 4's Hut 33 continues to be entertaining, as was fantasy sitcom Elvenquest. Jack Dee is proving to be a worthy chairman on the newly invigourated I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.
BROADCASTER OF THE YEAR: Steve Yabsley (BBC Radio Bristol / Somerset)
I've written many paragraphs on Steve Yabsley over the past year, but his show is so consistently entertaining that it is always a pleasure to listen to. With a skeleton staff at the Bristol studio, Yabbo manages to produce a well refined and highly creative product with more ideas going into each show than most local radio stations manage in a year. Producing over 200 shows a year clearly hasn't dented the inventive streak involved in the programme and it remains consistently brilliant.
Worthwhile mention: Mark "Chappers" Chapman, who bowed out of Radio 1 after many years of grumpy Mancunian service, and being a consistently entertaining voice of reason on the station. He will be much missed compared to the depressingly airheaded mixture of self-obsessed morons who seem to be taking over Radio 1. By my reckoning the last Chappers and Dave show aired in July 2009.
LIVE ACT OF THE YEAR: Phoenix
For many of the same reasons as why Phoenix's album was the best of the year, their live show is similarly brilliant. Their music stands up superbly live, with the band clearly loving their job and performing a tight yet joyous set with loads of energy, particularly in the rhythm section.
In terms of the set list, they play a mixture of their new album and the best known songs from their previous albums, basically something for anybody who has ever enjoyed the band's music.
Clearly the moody French stereotype doesn't apply here.
MUSIC RETAILER OF THE YEAR: Acorn Music, Yeovil
There are so few record shops in the vicinity of me now that this category isn't particularly heavily contested. Acorn in Yeovil remain the best pick of the bunch, striving to continue to provide a wide variety of music whilst diversifying a little in order to pay the bills (such as into sheet music).
Worthwhile mentions: Sound Knowledge, Marlborough is rammed full of competitively priced stock and the staff are (as would be expected) knowledgeable. Gatefield Sounds, Whitstable also remains busy whenever i have visited and has the feel of a proper old-school independent record shop.
HOPE FOR 2010...
I've heard lots of hype about these "Sound of 2010" lists, but i can't say that any of the music fills me with enthusiasm. Especially not weak rehashings of Blondie, eh Marina and the Diamonds? So my hope for the year ahead is that the Euro weakens against the pound, so that i can afford to go over to Belgium and stock up on Studio Brussel CDs that i haven't been able to buy this year. Or to Germany and buy a heap of albums that i've been waiting to get, but can't bring myself to spend getting on for £20 on by mail order.
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