From sublime to ridiculous via deep boredom

Reviews to entertain and inform. And probably irritate if i'm being honest.

Kesha - Blow
Aside from the fact that some titles are beyond parody, this song proves a point known as true since the dawn of mankind. That truth is that Kesha cannot record a song without mentioning glitter. I'm starting to become convinced that she spent her entire childhood watching Disney DVDs from her Princess-themed bedroom before suddenly hitting puberty but not quite being able to leave the obsessions with childhood items like glittery make-up behind her. This is slightly less catchy than "We Are Who We Are", but covers exactly the same boring scuzzy club territory. The aural equivalent of headbutting a table covered in upturned drawing pins.

Have you noticed that the girl in the Barclays' Bouncy Castle advert looks like Gabriella Cilmi? @forkinabucket insists she doesn't, but she does. Particularly in the first frame when she's sat on the deflated castle.

My Chemical Romance - Planetary Go
I didn't quite percieve that at the start of the year i'd be hailing My Chemical Romance as the standard bearers for brilliant tech-savvy pop, but this is superb. Big on energy, lots of hooky electronica and riffs, and unmistakably MCR. I found their Black Parade album a bit overly emo, even for a band who are the epitome of the genre and this is an excellent crossover track which will hopefully be a huge hit. Although it probably won't be because the charts are full of morons doing terrible cover versions.

The Vaccines - If You Wanna
I have to admit, i didn't have high hopes for the latest darlings of the battered and bruised indie scene, the Vaccines. Their mainstream debut Post Break-up Sex was just a slimy and nasty as the title suggested. Thankfully this is a million times better, with echoes of timeless indie from the past three decades all rolled into a catchy song which couldn't be less fashionable. Terrific stuff.

Nero - Guilt
Regular readers will know that music has the power to make me angry. This record makes me angry. It should be so f*cking brilliant that people would sell their own children to buy a copy of it. The intro and build up is amazing, epic stuff of dreams and science fiction sung with passion and musically really fascinating, but then... oh.... no......... just when you're expecting it to go stratospheric, the inevitable, cliched dubstep shite starts and drags the tempo back into the gutter and the next two minutes are just repetition of everything that has already happened. The potential is there, but Nero seem incapable of breaking out of this impossibly tiny world of the dubstep sound which throttles their creativity.

Jodie Connor - Bring It
Oh joy. We'd been trying not to find a new not-particularly-good UK R&B-lite come dance act and this would appear to be her. Somebody tell Tinchy Strider he's better than appearing on dross like this. Tedious. Really tedious. Worse than a Booty Luv album track.

Panic at the Disco - The Ballad of Mona Lisa
I remember when Panic at the Disco were a really exciting band. Their first album was tremendous, infused with an energy for life that couldn't be denied. Sadly since then, they've devolved into far more boring stadium rock which belies their early creativity. This is better than anything off their stagnant second album Pretty Odd, but not a patch on anything off their first.

Double Trouble

Imagine a song you passionately hate. And i'm not talking about something unfashionable and novelty that routinely gets trotted out on the "100 Worst Records Ever" type of countdown, like the Birdie Song or something by the Smurfs. Think about a record that really offends you and makes you want to go postal.

As an aside, if there isn't a record that makes you this angry, then you might be reading the wrong blog.

Now imagine a talentless shitbag of an performer who would rather get her photos in the papers and magazines rather than their music on the radio. Somebody who turns up at awards ceremonies safe in the knowledge that they'll never win anything, so they have to wear moronic outfits and gurn at the paparazzi.

Take a moment to imagine a repulsive puppeteer record producer who makes bland, mass produced music for fuckwits to gush over.

Now imagine that the performer has made a record with the producer sampled the offensively awful track to make a record so shitifyingly awful that the world deserves to end. If you haven't heard Nicki Minaj - Girls Fall Like Dominoes which samples the grotesque slimy indie of The Big Pink, then avoid it for as long as you possibly can.

And the producer? It could only be king of spackpop "J-j-j-j-j R" Rotem.

Then just when you think you're going soft...

A couple of reviews:

Ellie Goulding - Lights (Single)
For the first time, i can honestly say i'm not spitting fire after hearing an Ellie Goulding song for the first time. This is genuinely not bad at all. Entertainingly upbeat, sung with a degree of enthusiasm and best of all: no stupid earworms or acoustic piano in earshot. Just a shame the other four singles you've released have been utter bobbins. More like this please and maybe i'll be able to see your face on the TV without throwing things at it.

Avril Lavigne - What The Hell
I sold this short when i reviewed it in the previous entry. It is far worse than just plain awful. It is pseudo-spunky childult* awful. Mindshittingly disasterously awful. If you actually listen to the lyrics, it is all about how Ms Lavigne clearly doesn't give a shit about the feelings of anyone else, she's just "having fun". What a cuntish outlook on life. Whereas i felt some sympathy towards Pink when her marriage broke up and could hear her pain and anguish coming through in her music, Lavigne's approach is just like a slap in the face to her ex husband whilst she projectile pisses on him using a she-wee. Its time to grow up and learn some respect for people other than yourself.