Monsters, Demons and (to quote Vincent Kennedy McMahon) Bottom Feeders.

I haven't done any reviews for ages, but don't let that fool you in to thinking i don't care any more...

My Chemical Romance - Nanana
My first thoughts on hearing this were that MCR have done a cover version of Andrew WK's Party Hard and to be honest the whole thing has a bit of an AWK vibe running through it. The problem for me is that MCR have now done the whole overdramatic thing to death. It came to its peak with Welcome to the Black Parade and just feels a bit contrived now. Surely you can't be multi-millionaires and have that much teenage angst still going on?

Linkin Park - Waiting For The End
Now if My Chemical Romance sound like they're resting on their laurels and failing to make any innovation, this sounds so comparatively laid back and traditional that i first thought that it must a typo and supposed to say it was performed by Linkin Park's Dads. Apparently not. As soon as Cheerful Chester's vocals kick in, the whole thing is recognisable, but a bit off putting. If nothing else, it is an interesting departure for Linkin Park. I doubt it will win them many new fans, but could cost them quite a few existing ones if the whole album is this downtempo lark.

Interpol - Barricade
Another band who have noticably changed their sound are Interpol. Previously merchants of highly polished, snarling electro-indie-rock, new track Barricade sees them in a much more lo-fi mood without the layers of production.

Customs - Shut Up, Narcissus
Perhaps i've become so desperate to hear proper music that when i do hear something good, it sounds incredible. The endless wander of the British music industry towards Americanised reality show music and increasingly slimy R&B and Hip Hop originating from both sides of the Atlantic is now apparently unstoppable. Even when we come up with a decent act, they'll only get minimal airtime because they don't fit in with the specific genres that the zombified populous love. Hence the success of radio stations like Heart. ANYWAY. Customs are fucking brilliant and Shut Up, Narcissus is unbelievably superb, catchy, chorus led indie pop the likes of which we haven't heard for a very long time. Imagine if Editors were a really cheerful bunch and wanted a song to play at the end of a party so that everyone would remember it forever. That is how good this song is. Customs should be on the main playlist of every radio station in the country, including Radio 3, but because they're not ten year old girls singing about sex or from a reality show, we're not allowed to like them in the UK.

...and breathe...

Kings of Leon - Radioactive
Oh deep joy. The worlds most boring rock band is back. And their comeback single isn't actually very good, but still the Great British Media falls over themselves to proclaim them as the new Jesus. Radioactive a mid-tempo, middle of the road, average, bland, boring, tedious, uneventful and stagnant wander through the land of yawn. They've even put some boring water on the record cover.

Cheryl Cole - Promise This
The latest cacophony of stupid earworms starts as soon as the record does with all this tribal-chanting Alo-etta bollocks. What is really sad is that underneath there is almost a decent song trying to get out. Potentially a half decent bit of speed-pop, it is ruined by the needless addition of elements to appeal to idiots. Expect to hear officeworkers in the queue for lunch humming the earworm bit as a demonstration of how brainwashed they have become, much like they did with Katy Perry's California Gurls.

Mike Posner - Cooler Than Me
Officially the new Sara Bareilles, Mike Posner is the latest one hit wonder to come out of American daytime radio. Cooler Than Me is a monothemed synth laded song, but it works because its a fairly original idea and it is performed with conviction.

Rihanna - The Only Girl In The World
Even if you were, i still wouldn't listen to your records. You have the most horrible, whiny voice of anyone to have ever recorded themselves.

Roll Deep & Alesha Dixon - Take Control
Please stop now. Roll Deep have roped in Alesha Dixon for this entirely unneccessary record. Its another painfully awful tome about clubbing, partying and blah blah blah. The first one sounded forced and soulless and this is worse, just milking the joyless weekend routine of a generation who don't have the imagination to decide themselves what is enjoyable, so just get hammered every weekend instead. Complete cack.

Taylor Swift - Mine
This sounds like every other Taylor Swift record. It has a cover like every other Taylor Swift record. It has a video like every other Taylor Swift record. Completely banal, syruppy toss. Perhaps she should do a collaboration with the Kings of Leon.

Haddaway featuring Eminem and Lil Wayne - No Love
Its not really a Haddaway record. Which is a shame. They could have re-released Catch A Fire, that would have been nice. Sadly, we're left with Eminem at his preachy, self indulgent worst and the most talentless man in music, Lil Wayne. Wayne has no rhythm, no flow, no ability to write anything with meaning and no fans with an IQ higher than two. I remember when people called Wayne were ridiculed for coming from Essex. Now we're supposed to buy records with them on? What ever is the world coming to?

The Black Eyed Peas - The Time
Imagine the forced jollity of I Gotta Feelin' over a cover version of I've Had The Time of My Life by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes. Horrible, isn't it? And if you can't imagine it, the Black Eyed Peas have done it for you.

Sleigh Bells - Infinity Guitars
Lo-fi nonsense. Girls shouting. Scratchy guitars. Repetitive (and overly loud) drums. If you like all of these things, then you'll love this record. It is a complete mess, trying to sound garagey, underground and like it hasn't been produced properly when in fact it's probably had millions spent on polishing the turd up to make it sound like that. I'm willing to bet that at least one of them used to be in Hepburn.

On "Dub~Step"

I've tried. I've tried really bloody hard. I can find a positive in most genres of music and usually the odd act i can tolerate, but Dubstep is shit. Whats worse is how Radio 1's presenting staff seem to be pushing it as if there is no tomorrow and gushing over how painfully brilliant every last farting bleep is, when it is blatantly balls.

The latest golden children of Dubstep are Magnetic Man and Katy B. Heavens be praised, they've recorded a single together which is boring. No other word for it. They even went to the trouble of recording a session performance with loads of live strings which sounded as though a lot of work had gone in to it, but the fact remains that you can't polish a turd and the song is still tedious. Katy B also wimped out of doing the high bits, but put in an otherwise decent performance. It probably lasted for about three minutes, but felt like it went on in excess of a fortnight, wallowing from one swoopy effect to the next.

In fairness, i already hated both Magnetic Man and Katy B's debut singles before i heard this one. The former (I Need Air) using some of the most painfully irritating vocal effects of all time. It was one song that i felt rather than air, needed asphyxiation.

I really do wonder what the hell the playlist morons are on at Radio 1. (Hello Aled Haydn Jones.) They are missing some really good music at the moment, simply because the playlist group seem to be on a mission to remove anything with guitars, hooks and (dare i even say it) choruses from the airwaves between 97 and 99. Instead we get binges of weak dance music (Tim Berg's Seek Bromance - yawwwwwwn), boring dubstep and cringeworthy urban slop from 1Xtra.

That brings me neatly on to my second subject for today. I have quite liked Tinie Tempah when he's been on with Chris Moyles. He comes across as quite a decent sort of chap. But his music is just awful. Passout was the anthem for binge drinking twelve year olds. Frisky was the anthem for pregnant twelve year olds. And his latest collaboration with Swedish House Mafia seems to have been written by a twelve year old going through puberty in three minutes. Its slimy, nasty and utterly embarassing.

To finish with a line that could have been written for a party conference: Britain needs better. And Britain can do better.

There. Who da statesman, aiii?