Pass the anti-depressants...

I'll start off being positive: I went to see dan le sac vs Scroobius Pip in Bristol a week or so back and they were brilliant. They certainly know how to run a superb show and make the crowd feel special. The support acts (B Dolan and Sound of Rum) were also brilliant. In particular, Kate Tempest off of Sound of Rum is one of the most capitvatingly intense performers i've ever seen and B Dolan is the perfect antidote to all the bullshit rap we get in the world about money, cars, females of poor morals and guns, even if he is quite a scary prospect in that boilersuit.

On to the reviews...

Jay-Z - On To The Next One (Roc Nation)
Now don't get me wrong, i like a bit of nightmarish music at times. Bodycrash by Buy Now is one of my favourite tunes ever and could quite happily be the soundtrack to a terrible dream where nothing makes any sense, but something is missing here. Jay-Z has barely any flow over this and the lyrics are piss poor by his standards. After a while the backing track (a perpetually looped choral chant of the title) gets irritating beyond words. Is this really the man that captivated Glastonbury's main stage being this lazy and derivative?

Gramaphonedzie - Why Don't You (Positiva)
Now this is interesting - a Serbian production duo take a remastered Peggy Lee track and give it a disjoined electronic makeover. Despite the massive reliance on the sample, it ironically sounds more original than 90% of the daytime radio output of the UK and would probably give the average listener to Heart a seizure. It'll be interesting to here if they (apparently Gramaphonedzie is a duo) can follow it up with something else similarly interesting. Best version doing the rounds has been aired several times on Chris Moyles' Radio 1 show which simply puts a minute and a half of the original track in the middle.

Ke$ha ft 3oh3 - Blah Blah Blah (RCA)
More autotune. More bleepy music. More drunken slurring. Awful.

Pixie Lott - Gravity (Mercury)
...is the same song as Jordin Sparks' "No Air". Except that Jordin Sparks can actually sing whereas this vile little turd of stage school detritis just sounds boring. I'm actually tempted to write a complete deconstruction of the Pixie Lott brand and album, but i've got better things to do with my time, like watching Total Wipeout and laughing as people fall in the water. Look! He fell in the water!

Gabriella Cilmi - On A Mission (Island)
Jesus. Where did this come from? A modern, high paced and punchy powerpop song (albeit with slightly tinny and unconvincing backing which sounds a bit like Van Halen's "Jump") from the girl who spent most of the year before last singing about how there is nothing sweet about her. Nothing sweet about her. Ye-aa-eh. Well, apparently she's now a woman on a mission and based on previous experience, i'm struggling to take it seriously.

Chiddy Bang - Opposite of Adults (Regal)
Factual review time: MGMT's "Kids" gets sampled badly for weak hip hop record.

Young Money featuring Lloyd - Bedrock (Cash Money)
Call him Mr Flintstone, he can make your bedrock. D'you see what he did there? Isn't it clever? Well actually, no it isn't. Its pathetic. This record only appeals to those with an IQ so low that you can count to it in single digit binary.

Lady Gaga ft Beyonce - Telephone (Interscrape)
Another bloody Lady Gaga song about a mobile? Really? Is there any need? And this is such a weak premise for a song. If somebody keeps phoning you and its irritating, TURN YOUR FUCKING PHONE OFF. Beyonce guests to sing about how somebody phoning you is a disaster. Disaster, eh? Must be something like a Haitian earthquake then, i'd guess. Get over your pathetic little selves, both of you.