THE TURDS ON A STICK for 2009

Right. I've been as positive as i can for a couple of hours of writing. Now for the other side of the coin.

WORST RECORD OF THE YEAR: Ke$ha - Tik Tok
This is now the most irritating record of the year, narrowly beating Ciara's "Love Sex Magic". I don't care if you woke up in the morning feeling like P Diddy. You clearly have an alcohol abuse problem which needs medical (or more likely psychiatric) care. In my book that isn't the basis for a record that twelve year olds will find more addictive than mobile phones caked in crack.

HEARTSINK ARTIST OF THE YEAR: Little Boots
This was a tightly contested category, a heartsink artist being one whose records prompt you to instantly turn the radio off. For me, Victoria Little Boots Hesketh was the one. Her brand of tedious electro-pop is so fake and contrived that it makes Joe McElderry look like a roadie for Megadeth. My ire was first raised by her during coverage of Glastonbury when she looked as if she'd rather be queueing for a burger than performing her four songs on stage. At the end, the interviewer was more interested in talking about her dress than the music, which said it all to me. Add to this that Remedy seemed to be played by every radio station in the country in its entirety (even by Kiss who always edit songs down to below two minutes so they can fit in more commercials) and you had the perfect recipe for a heartsink artist.
Runner up: La Roux for her inane choruses.

BIGGEST HEAD OF THE YEAR: Simon Cowell
OK, so its a bit of an obvious choice but hopefully Cowell learned from the Christmas Number One situation that he doesn't control the country, which hopefully will have put paid to his desire to make a "Politics X-Factor". It is easy to say things that idiots like, as is obvious by the stupidly large number of groups on Facebook that people will subscribe to on a knee-jerk whim, but that doesn't mean that politics should be the same. Politics should be about challenging the society we live in, in order to improve it, not saying something that makes the crowd whoop like morons.

WORST RADIO STATION OF THE YEAR: Heart
The rebranding exercise of Heart this year, taking over dozens of respected local commercial radio identities was a disaster. Their insistence on playing a bland, middle of the road playlist combined with z-list "big name" presenters and increased networked programming has been a recipe for falling listener numbers across the board.

WORST BROADCASTER OF THE YEAR: Sara Cox
I've tried to like Sara Cox. It'd make my life a hell of a lot easier if i did as she always seems to be subbing for somebody on Radio 1. But its no good, i can't get over her bigheaded, self obsessed manner which irritates me to hell. She pays no attention to the audience of her programmes, delivering the same dreck whether she's on Sunday morning, covering for Scott Mills or Fearne Cotton.
Runners up: Dev for being the worst local radio jock to get on to national radio since Emma Forbes. Nick Grimshaw for similar self-obsession to Cox. Jeremy Vine for being patronising. Steve Wright for delivering the same shit he's done for twenty years. Toby Anstiss for being the worst of Heart's z-listers.

MOST STUPID EARWORM OF THE YEAR: Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
For what is otherwise quite a good song, the ridiculous "Ga ga ra ra ra" intro which resurfaces several times during the three minute run just wrecks it completely in order to make it irresistable to toddlers and the mentally ill.

THE APPLE AWARD FOR SERVICES TO KILL THE MUSIC INDUSTRY: Jonathan Reuven Rotem
Who? You may ask. If you've heard any mainstream radio, you're bound to have heard some of his work. He specialises in making records which all sound the same and all have an irritating "J-j-j-jay-arr" stamped on them like a branding iron on the ass of a wild west bull. Not content with doing this, he's also started stamping the name of his production company (Beluga Heights) on some records as well. His shitology for 2009 includes JLS (Everybody in Love), autotune disaster area Jason Derulo (Whatcha Say) and most irritatingly of all Iyaz (Replay), all branded with his earworm which no doubt earns his royalties from each play. Along with similar producer-branding-freak Red One, i hope his shitifying* dreck falls from favour before 2010 gets properly underway and he can crawl back under whichever rock he came from.

* - with thanks to Charlie Brooker.