Silent Night... (would be merciful)

Am i feeling festive yet? Judge for yourselves.

X-Factor Finalists - You Are Not Alone (Sony)
A few charity records are worthwhile jaunts in search of donations to worthy causes. This one isn't. If you're thinking of buying this records, donate a quid to Great Ormond Street hospital (as they'll receive considerably less than that for each copy of this dreck sold), then get yourself checked in to a mental clinic. One of Michael Jackson's weaker songs covered by a load of wannabes trying to be as dramatic as their prepubescent bodies will allow. Hideous.

Jason Derulo - Whatcha Say (WEA)
Featuring an overly autotuned Imogen Heap sample (without which the song simply wouldn't exist), Jason Derulo is the lastest tedious one (s)hit wonder to come out of the USA R&B factory. The highly objectionable message behind this song is "I've cheated on you, but its OK because i'm going to be famous". This song includes such seismic lyrics as "When the roof caved in and the truth came out, i just didn't know what to do". About as deep as a puddle as thirty times less enjoyable.

Black Eyed Peas - Meet Me Halfway (Interscope)
Perhaps i'm missing something with the latest BEP album, because from what i've heard so far they've forgotten to write any songs and just ad-libbed a few cliches in the studio. This one is no different. Will-i-Am and Fergie sound terribly bored and unable to get excited about the bland mundanity of this tedious record.

Lady Gaga - Bad Romance (Interscope)
This song simultaneously awakens the love and hate receptors in my brain. On the one hand, we have the most stupid earworm of the year, but on the other it detracts from what is actually quite a good pop record, particularly in the second half where Gaga gets the excitment and passion up to a level that the Black Eyed Peas haven't managed since "Shut Up". Judged on this, if she could get over including stupid noises to keep toddlers happy, Gaga could develop her sound to become acceptable to people with an IQ in double figures.

Rihanna - Russian Roulette (Mercury)
In which Rhianna whines on and on about what a disaster her relationship with Chris Brown was in about as subtle a manner as Hitler used to demonstrate his dislike of the Jews in 1930s Germany. This appears to be an indication that the public is bored of her nasal whine too, as her new album (Rated R) debuted only one place above Chris Moyles' Parody Album on its first week of release, which wouldn't have been expected for the follow up to the multi-platinum tossdisc "Good Girl Gone Boring".

Ke$ha - Tik Tok (Columbia)
First things first: stop spelling your name with a dollar sign. Its pathetic. More pathetic than when Hepburn tried to convince people they were a proper serious rock band. Now, on to this anthem to excessive consumption of alcohol, bad autotune and pretending that you're living your life in a mobile phone commercial. Its all produced in the ADHD, gimmick obsessed manner of all current music coming out of America, so teh kidz love it and think "HEY THATS WHAT WE DUZ WHEN WE DRINKZ CIDER IN DA PARK INNIT".

Leona Lewis - Happy (Sony)
Well you're clearly not.

Mariah Carey - I Wanna Know What Love Is (Mercury)
Even a performance by Her Plasticfacedness on the X-Factor couldn't propel this poorly concieved, weak ass cover into the UK top ten. Tedious R&B slosh at its worst.

Westlife - What About Now (Sony)
I completely fail to see the point of this - Daughtry's original AOR-wailalong wasn't that brilliant and Westlife only serve to make it a bit wetter.

Sugababes - About A Girl (Island)
Jade Ewen certainly made a bad career choice when she joined the Sugababes at the release of what appears to be their weakest album to date. Working with American-styled producer Red One (who is clearly working too hard and spreading himself thinly at the moment) on this song that retreads lots of previous work without adding anything new.

50 Cent ft Ne-Yo - Baby By Me (Polydor)
After the dismal failure of the "Curtis" album, Fiddy has returned with this charmless attempt to impregnate gullible females. Bound to be the worst record since Jeremih's "Birthday Sex" for causing teenage pregnancy.

Alesha Dixon - To Love Again (Asylum)
Whats that you say? Alesha is on Strictly Come Dancing? You're repackaging her album? It needs more material to hide the fact its a blatant cash-in? You've got Gary Barlow's phone number? He'll spend three minutes writing a lacklustre song? Oh goody.

Paolo Nutini - Pencil Full of Lead (Atlantic)
Its nice to know that whilst the majority of artists are busy trying to sound as interchangeable as possible, Scotland's answer to Jack Daniels (aka Mr Nutini) is busy recording twenties influenced skiffle in this great little traditional pop song.

Chase & Status ft Plan B - End Credits (Ram)
This unexpected hit for Chase & Status has seen their turbocharged Drum & Bass sound toned down a little for a collaboration with Plan B. It still manages to produce a thought-provoking bit of British music without any acknowledgement of the novelty sounds coming from across the atlantic at the moment. My only criticism is Plan B's dreadful diction on the line "and my mind starts thinking", which becomes "...starts finkin'" and completely puts me off the rest of the song.

Taken by Trees - Sweet Child of Mine (Rough Trade)
This hippy cash in bollocks is the sort of thing specifically designed to appeal to people who don't really like music by know they're supposed to have a preference for something. As a result, they'll find something that sounds familiar, like this watered down acoustic version of Guns n' Roses 90s hit. Utterly hideous, and Rough Trade should be ashamed of themselves for releasing this sort of derivative, uninventive tripe.

Timbaland ft Nelly Furtado and Soshy - Morning After Dark (Interscope)
Timbaland has forgotten to write a song and this collection of sound effects, weak hooks, autotune and production gimmickery doesn't conceal that fact at all.

Lily Allen - Who'd Have Known (EMI)
Another cash-in late single to be added to an album in order for it to get released all over again. Ms Allen has decided to rewrite Take That's "Shine" and remove any of the passion or joy that it ever had, instead turning it into a song about drinking wine, without even sounding as if she's enjoying it. If this is her last single for several years (as she is apparently trumping), its an absolute turkey to go out on.

The Big Pink - Dominos (4AD)
Its nice to know that gimmicky shit is not just confined to America. Talentless London-based tossbags "The Big Pink" are responsible for this advert driven, one line chorus with no saving grace nor substance to speak of. The fact that the media takes music like this as serious indie is a tragedy.

Roll on 2010.