All hands to the bilge pump

I haven't reviewed any awful singles for ages...

Tinie Tempah featuring Labrinth - Frisky (Parlophone)
Now heres a thing; this sounds exactly like Tinie Tempah's last record, right down to the drum and bass bit at the end. If you liked the Pass Out, you'll like this as well. And you'll have a mental age of two to still be impressed by raps which are a charicature of any substance.

David Guetta, Chris Willis, Fergie and LMFAO - Gettin' Over You (Positiva / Virgin)
Guetta's work of late has been patchy and there is little doubt the guy is spreading himself too thinly, but this reworked gem from last years One Love album has been given a bit of an ADHD remix to make it appeal to daytime radio. Chris Willis' vocals are utterly brilliant as always.

Eminem - Not Afraid (Interscope)
Better than lead single from his previous album Crack A Bottle, but it still feels like Marshall is wallowing in a whole swamp of self pity. Obviously he needs to escape from everything to get some fresh inspiration, because theres nothing here to hold a candle to his earlier work.

Jason Derulo - Ridin' Solo (Warners)
Iyaz - Solo (Reprise)
Two reviews for the price of one here. Two JR Rotem songs, probably written concurrently. Iyaz whines tunelessly about not wanting to be S. O. L. O. whereas Derulo is delighted to be Ridin' Solo, which to me sounds like a song all about masturbation. Derulo's is the more listenable and inventive of the two, but they're both caked in enough autotune to sort out a Girls Aloud album.

Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart (J)
Try listening with bleeding ears.

Pixie Lott - Turn It Up (Mercury)
Turn it off. Alright, i'll elaborate; Pixie is busy telling her current squeeze that its over during the verses, then inexplicably heads off into a chorus of "Turn it up, Turn it up". Utter shit from a nasty production line in a country with a dreadful human rights record. Soulless.

Aggro Santos featuring Kimberly Wyatt (Future)
Now for the nastiest record around at the moment. Take a Kesha-esque bleepy background, add one Pussycat Doll to sing the chorus and then taken the rather vile Mr Santos to start rapping about how he expects girls to dance for him whilst he shouts "You, you, you, yeah, you!" at them. Forget the Labour leadership contest being a damning indictment of women's rights, look no further than this crap and the sort of morons who buy it.

Rhianna - Te Amo (Def Jam)
Current album Rated R must be a real heap judging by the singles being released. First we get the pathetic Chris Brown baiting dirge Russian Roulette, then the filthy Rude Boy where the double entendre is about as cloaked as a naked rambler and now this tedious ballad where her nasty nasal vocals sound even more whiny than normal.

Lady Gaga - Alejandro (Interscope)
Talking of barrel scraping from dubious albums... This is the fifty eighth single from The Fame and its various Monster and Remix reincarnations. Its a boring ballad. Scott Mills actually reviewed it better than i possibly could - "If this was by Emma Bunton, you wouldn't care".

Terry Venables - If I Can Dream (Sony)
Best of the sparse collection of football singles around this year. Venables properly belts out this rousing anthem backed by a substantial orchestral arrangement.

Squad - Three Lions 2010 (Parlophone)
Jesus. Who decided there should be an awful cover version of Three Lions, with terrible sound effects and an inexplicable opera singer?

Train - Hey Soul Sister (Columbia)
Now here is 2010's most unexpected comeback. Train (who recorded the similarly slow-burning mainstay of daytime radio Drops of Jupiter in 2001) rely heavily on a ukelele to record this inoffensive, but lively track which builds nicely into the sort of pop song that American bands used to make for a pastime. It makes a really nice break from the over-produced and contentless gunk that tends to come from across the Atlantic at the moment.

Pretty Reckless - Makes Me Wanna Die (Interscope)
This boring fake emo record is made by a band whose lineup keeps changing except for their model frontwoman, which pretty much tells you all you need to know. Its very plastic and about as deep as a puddle.

Kelis - Acapella (Interscope)
Now this is a first - a Kelis record that i actually like. The latest incarnation of pop butterfly Kelis is a much more dancier and European-sounding than previously, having left behind the gimmicky and often formless output that she has produced in the past. Unsurprisingly, David Guetta was behind the production, but that production allows the vocals to shine really beautifully.

Kelly Rowlands featuring David Guetta - Commander (Universal)
If i was Guetta, i'd take my name off this project as it is proof he is overstretched at the moment. Think of all the abysmal songs made by American R&B artists about how much they love clubbing. This is worse. Its even worse than Play by Jennifer Lopez. It has no substance at all.

The Black Eyed Peas - Imma Be (Interscope)
Utter bollocks. Most of it is just Will.i.am repeating over and over "Amma be". Pointless drivel.

Robyn - Dancing On My Own (Konichiwa)
Robyn's ability to make modern pop music sound effortless is quite something. Whilst not sounding like anything else on her previous album, this feels familiar and is instantly recognisable both musically and vocally as Robyn's work. Its got more hooks in one song than most of the rest of the top ten put togehter.