You see, if the music industry is ever to win the "battle" against illegally downloaded music then they're going to need to make their delivery systems better.
Case in point #1: Swedish House Mafia - One.
I pre-ordered this on play.com. I've tried to download it this morning (as it is supposedly released today) and the server can't handle it. Not only that, they've chopped another 36p off the EP price in order to alienate those who pre-ordered. If i'd been less patient and gone for a hooky download of it a month ago, i'd have had it there and then. Why are we being forced to wait for music that is being played on the radio and clearly ready for distribution? Its like going back to the old days of singles being promoted solidly for two months, getting released then spending one week at #4 before disappearing out of the charts within three weeks.
Case in point #2: Fake Blood - I Think I Like.
This is on Herve's Cheap Thrills label, which makes me want to buy it legitimately as i love Herve's work in general. As Scott Mills has been hammering it on Friday nights for well over a month now, you'd think an online purchase would be simple. But no. I've got to wait until the 9th of sodding August before it gets released officially or take a chance on some compilation album version which will probably be part of a contiuous mix and therefore sound terrible. Again, why the delay?
If its ready to get promo'ed out to radio stations, it'll be available via routes which won't make the artists any money. Therefore it is ready for legitimate release. Get on with it, music industry.
Monday, 26 July 2010
Sunday, 4 July 2010
Summer Mixtape 2010 reviews
I normally do this some time around May, but working 60 hours a week has been getting to me. Anyway, i'm going to give an overview of (mostly) the CD singles that i've gone through this morning in preparation for making this year's collection:
This post is sponsored by TDK.
Inna - Hot (AATW / 3Beat)
I didn't know 3Beat were still going - i thought their last release was Into The Future by New Atlantic. Anyways, here is a piss poor collection of remixes of Inna's fairly decent original. The UK Radio Edit has been needlessly shortened from the album version. Cahill's mix isn't bad, but feels as if it is just one minute of song repeated three times. The Real Booty Babes do some dire Clubland-esque remix which doesn't really work.
Alphabeat - DJ (Polydor)
I'd love to know why Alphabeat are being so widely ignored in the UK at the moment, because they're churning out some fantastic proper pop music. Two of the mixes emerge from the labs of Biffco (you know, the brains behind 2wo Third3) and cracking. The third comes courtesy of Doman and Golding, is highly predictable and adds nowt to the proceedings.
DJ Rebel & FTW - You Can Call Me Al (Mostiko Belgium)
God bless Free Record Shop and their bargain bin. Its a cover of the Paul Simon original, so you've got a rough idea of what to expect. DJ Rebel's version is fairly predictable, relying on a synth brass line as the main hook, whereas FTW's mix is a bit more dramatic whilst still being dance oriented. Credit should also be paid to the vocalists (Steve Lee and Steve Smith) who do a good job at making a distinct, and definitely not identikit version of the original vocals.
Professor Green ft Ed Drewett - I Need You Tonight (EMI)
Radio version is excellent, production line remix by Doman and Golding is pretty lazy.
Kate Nash - Do-Wah-Doo (Polydor)
Another one of only two tracks - the radio version and a truly terrible cover by Cribs frontgoon (and Nash boyfriend) Ryan Jarman.
Hurts - Better Than Love (Major Label via Sony)
Fantastic single - epic swirling and expansive synthpop lead track is worth the 99p alone, but add to that a superb orchestral b-side and its terrific value.
Plan B - She Said (Atlantic / 679)
Okay, i'll admit i was seduced somewhat by the presentation of this in a classic 45 styled die-cut sleeve. I wasn't a massive fan of the original version, but it was passable for daytime radio. The 16bit Remix isn't bad and adds some sinister electro to the original, but the two Shy FX mixes are excellent, adding some depth to the sound and taking the track off in a different direction.
DJ Supreme vs Rhythm Masters - Enter The Scene (Distinctive)
Its a classic. Prompted by a sighting of the video on The Vault, its got to go on.
Bob Sinclar featuring Hendogg, Master Gee and Wonder Mike from the Original Sugarhill Gang - Lala Song (NEWS Belgium)
Its almost exactly what you'd expect from a collaboration between Bob Sinclar and three members of the Sugarhill Gang - very retro, very disco and fairly inoffensive. The Tocadisco mix builds to a big crescendo it never really reaches. Guy Schreiner's Old School Party mix features a substantial collection of 1991-esque rave effects by doesn't really go anywhere beyond a few hook lines. The Donovan Dominator Remix is another rave-influenced affair, but possibly a few years behind Schreiner's effort.
Regi ft Tom Helsen - Night and Day (Mostiko Belgium)
Regi Penxten is a sensible man - he knows he is a big musical fish in the small pond of Belgium and that he has a huge following with a public convinced he can shit gold. To be honest, they're probably right. Although his work doesn't deviate massively from a fairly consistent Belgian DancePop sound, its accomplished with skill. If you're a fan of his other work (and chances are you won't be unless you're Belgian), you'll probably love this. On to the mixes - the Daniel Bovy remix is rather more laid back and heavy on the swirling production whereas the Dave Lambert & Housetrap version goes for the standard cut-n-shut approach of putting vocals over a backing track they don't really fit well with, which should have made it an assured appearance on Scott Mills' Floor Fillers show.
Milk Inc - Storm (ARS Belgium)
Another Regi Penxten effort. This one gets the vocal lead of Linda Mertens, who will be familiar to anyone who has heard a Milk Inc track in the past. Its pretty predictable Milk Inc fare to be honest, with big synths, midpaced rhythm and the odd ropey metaphor. Vinss-T's remix sounds rather British in its composition, with a worrying level of Clubland sound effects in there and there are a few dodgy cuts on the vocals (possibly from having been trimmed down to an edit by somebody on work experience). U&Me offer an electro take on the original. Dizkodude provides a polished mix which is effectively the original with the sound mellowed down and chilled out a little. DJ Geremy Thunder (who is Canadian) offers another Clublandy sounding version.
Lasgo - Gone (NEWS Belgium)
Regi Penxten's only competition to the throne of Belgium's Production Royalty is the brains behind Lasgo - Peter Luts. Thankfully they both make music which fits on to the same compilation albums. Jelle van Dael belts out the vocals in her usual distinctive style and the whole thing feels familiar, whilst not sounding like anything specific in their back catalogue. The Radio and Extended versions are backed up by two mixes - one rhythmic synth version from Sebastian Dali which sounds rather dated and a barking Dutch hardcore influenced version from Luts' knob twiddling cohort Jef Martens under the alias of Felix Project. The latter doesn't really work that well and sounds more like two songs that have been awkwardly cobbled together.
Armin van Buuren ft Jacqueline Govaert - Never Say Never (Armada/Mostiko Belgium)
The Radio Edit is a fairly laid back track for Armin van Buuren, with some awkward transitions between live and studio vocals (or at least the effects thereof). I haven't heard that sort of thing since Scooter's first album. The Alex Gaudino remix is a weak cut-n-paste affair with bits of vocals turning up all over a bleepy backdrop.
MC Solaar - Le Rabbi Muffin (Pomme via Sony)
Perhaps if Fettes Brot came from France and were charged with making a song for a musical, this is what it would sound like.
Future Presidents - The World Keeps Changing (Universal Netherlands)
This feels like its going to turn into a Michael Buble song, mixing light swing rhythms and inoffensive pop. The acoustic version does exactly what you'd expect.
Sir-G vs DJ Sake - 2 Spirits (Mostiko Belgium)
Worst act name in this list, but this is proof i'll buy anything on Mostiko if its cheap enough. The main vocal hook is the one from Jean Jacques Smoothie's Two People, with some ill fitting and rather odd ragga styled bits between. If Maxx had never happened, you might think it was inventive, but its a bit wobbly as a concept nowadays. Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike offer up a remix using the female hook and a backing track that sounds very familiar from an episode of Armin van Buuren's A State of Trance radio show a few years ago. It takes eight minutes to go nowhere.
Steve Aoki ft [[[zuper blahq]]] - I'm In The House (NEWS Belgium)
Will-i-am off of out of the Black Eyed Peas turns up on this and sounds 200% more interested in what he's doing than he did on anything from the last BEP album. Gigi Barocco provides a hyperactive electro remix which is pretty entertaining. Herve goes the other way on the electro spectrum, taking it down tempo and dirty for the most part. Its not Herve's finest work.
This post is sponsored by TDK.
Inna - Hot (AATW / 3Beat)
I didn't know 3Beat were still going - i thought their last release was Into The Future by New Atlantic. Anyways, here is a piss poor collection of remixes of Inna's fairly decent original. The UK Radio Edit has been needlessly shortened from the album version. Cahill's mix isn't bad, but feels as if it is just one minute of song repeated three times. The Real Booty Babes do some dire Clubland-esque remix which doesn't really work.
Alphabeat - DJ (Polydor)
I'd love to know why Alphabeat are being so widely ignored in the UK at the moment, because they're churning out some fantastic proper pop music. Two of the mixes emerge from the labs of Biffco (you know, the brains behind 2wo Third3) and cracking. The third comes courtesy of Doman and Golding, is highly predictable and adds nowt to the proceedings.
DJ Rebel & FTW - You Can Call Me Al (Mostiko Belgium)
God bless Free Record Shop and their bargain bin. Its a cover of the Paul Simon original, so you've got a rough idea of what to expect. DJ Rebel's version is fairly predictable, relying on a synth brass line as the main hook, whereas FTW's mix is a bit more dramatic whilst still being dance oriented. Credit should also be paid to the vocalists (Steve Lee and Steve Smith) who do a good job at making a distinct, and definitely not identikit version of the original vocals.
Professor Green ft Ed Drewett - I Need You Tonight (EMI)
Radio version is excellent, production line remix by Doman and Golding is pretty lazy.
Kate Nash - Do-Wah-Doo (Polydor)
Another one of only two tracks - the radio version and a truly terrible cover by Cribs frontgoon (and Nash boyfriend) Ryan Jarman.
Hurts - Better Than Love (Major Label via Sony)
Fantastic single - epic swirling and expansive synthpop lead track is worth the 99p alone, but add to that a superb orchestral b-side and its terrific value.
Plan B - She Said (Atlantic / 679)
Okay, i'll admit i was seduced somewhat by the presentation of this in a classic 45 styled die-cut sleeve. I wasn't a massive fan of the original version, but it was passable for daytime radio. The 16bit Remix isn't bad and adds some sinister electro to the original, but the two Shy FX mixes are excellent, adding some depth to the sound and taking the track off in a different direction.
DJ Supreme vs Rhythm Masters - Enter The Scene (Distinctive)
Its a classic. Prompted by a sighting of the video on The Vault, its got to go on.
Bob Sinclar featuring Hendogg, Master Gee and Wonder Mike from the Original Sugarhill Gang - Lala Song (NEWS Belgium)
Its almost exactly what you'd expect from a collaboration between Bob Sinclar and three members of the Sugarhill Gang - very retro, very disco and fairly inoffensive. The Tocadisco mix builds to a big crescendo it never really reaches. Guy Schreiner's Old School Party mix features a substantial collection of 1991-esque rave effects by doesn't really go anywhere beyond a few hook lines. The Donovan Dominator Remix is another rave-influenced affair, but possibly a few years behind Schreiner's effort.
Regi ft Tom Helsen - Night and Day (Mostiko Belgium)
Regi Penxten is a sensible man - he knows he is a big musical fish in the small pond of Belgium and that he has a huge following with a public convinced he can shit gold. To be honest, they're probably right. Although his work doesn't deviate massively from a fairly consistent Belgian DancePop sound, its accomplished with skill. If you're a fan of his other work (and chances are you won't be unless you're Belgian), you'll probably love this. On to the mixes - the Daniel Bovy remix is rather more laid back and heavy on the swirling production whereas the Dave Lambert & Housetrap version goes for the standard cut-n-shut approach of putting vocals over a backing track they don't really fit well with, which should have made it an assured appearance on Scott Mills' Floor Fillers show.
Milk Inc - Storm (ARS Belgium)
Another Regi Penxten effort. This one gets the vocal lead of Linda Mertens, who will be familiar to anyone who has heard a Milk Inc track in the past. Its pretty predictable Milk Inc fare to be honest, with big synths, midpaced rhythm and the odd ropey metaphor. Vinss-T's remix sounds rather British in its composition, with a worrying level of Clubland sound effects in there and there are a few dodgy cuts on the vocals (possibly from having been trimmed down to an edit by somebody on work experience). U&Me offer an electro take on the original. Dizkodude provides a polished mix which is effectively the original with the sound mellowed down and chilled out a little. DJ Geremy Thunder (who is Canadian) offers another Clublandy sounding version.
Lasgo - Gone (NEWS Belgium)
Regi Penxten's only competition to the throne of Belgium's Production Royalty is the brains behind Lasgo - Peter Luts. Thankfully they both make music which fits on to the same compilation albums. Jelle van Dael belts out the vocals in her usual distinctive style and the whole thing feels familiar, whilst not sounding like anything specific in their back catalogue. The Radio and Extended versions are backed up by two mixes - one rhythmic synth version from Sebastian Dali which sounds rather dated and a barking Dutch hardcore influenced version from Luts' knob twiddling cohort Jef Martens under the alias of Felix Project. The latter doesn't really work that well and sounds more like two songs that have been awkwardly cobbled together.
Armin van Buuren ft Jacqueline Govaert - Never Say Never (Armada/Mostiko Belgium)
The Radio Edit is a fairly laid back track for Armin van Buuren, with some awkward transitions between live and studio vocals (or at least the effects thereof). I haven't heard that sort of thing since Scooter's first album. The Alex Gaudino remix is a weak cut-n-paste affair with bits of vocals turning up all over a bleepy backdrop.
MC Solaar - Le Rabbi Muffin (Pomme via Sony)
Perhaps if Fettes Brot came from France and were charged with making a song for a musical, this is what it would sound like.
Future Presidents - The World Keeps Changing (Universal Netherlands)
This feels like its going to turn into a Michael Buble song, mixing light swing rhythms and inoffensive pop. The acoustic version does exactly what you'd expect.
Sir-G vs DJ Sake - 2 Spirits (Mostiko Belgium)
Worst act name in this list, but this is proof i'll buy anything on Mostiko if its cheap enough. The main vocal hook is the one from Jean Jacques Smoothie's Two People, with some ill fitting and rather odd ragga styled bits between. If Maxx had never happened, you might think it was inventive, but its a bit wobbly as a concept nowadays. Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike offer up a remix using the female hook and a backing track that sounds very familiar from an episode of Armin van Buuren's A State of Trance radio show a few years ago. It takes eight minutes to go nowhere.
Steve Aoki ft [[[zuper blahq]]] - I'm In The House (NEWS Belgium)
Will-i-am off of out of the Black Eyed Peas turns up on this and sounds 200% more interested in what he's doing than he did on anything from the last BEP album. Gigi Barocco provides a hyperactive electro remix which is pretty entertaining. Herve goes the other way on the electro spectrum, taking it down tempo and dirty for the most part. Its not Herve's finest work.
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
All hands to the bilge pump
I haven't reviewed any awful singles for ages...
Tinie Tempah featuring Labrinth - Frisky (Parlophone)
Now heres a thing; this sounds exactly like Tinie Tempah's last record, right down to the drum and bass bit at the end. If you liked the Pass Out, you'll like this as well. And you'll have a mental age of two to still be impressed by raps which are a charicature of any substance.
David Guetta, Chris Willis, Fergie and LMFAO - Gettin' Over You (Positiva / Virgin)
Guetta's work of late has been patchy and there is little doubt the guy is spreading himself too thinly, but this reworked gem from last years One Love album has been given a bit of an ADHD remix to make it appeal to daytime radio. Chris Willis' vocals are utterly brilliant as always.
Eminem - Not Afraid (Interscope)
Better than lead single from his previous album Crack A Bottle, but it still feels like Marshall is wallowing in a whole swamp of self pity. Obviously he needs to escape from everything to get some fresh inspiration, because theres nothing here to hold a candle to his earlier work.
Jason Derulo - Ridin' Solo (Warners)
Iyaz - Solo (Reprise)
Two reviews for the price of one here. Two JR Rotem songs, probably written concurrently. Iyaz whines tunelessly about not wanting to be S. O. L. O. whereas Derulo is delighted to be Ridin' Solo, which to me sounds like a song all about masturbation. Derulo's is the more listenable and inventive of the two, but they're both caked in enough autotune to sort out a Girls Aloud album.
Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart (J)
Try listening with bleeding ears.
Pixie Lott - Turn It Up (Mercury)
Turn it off. Alright, i'll elaborate; Pixie is busy telling her current squeeze that its over during the verses, then inexplicably heads off into a chorus of "Turn it up, Turn it up". Utter shit from a nasty production line in a country with a dreadful human rights record. Soulless.
Aggro Santos featuring Kimberly Wyatt (Future)
Now for the nastiest record around at the moment. Take a Kesha-esque bleepy background, add one Pussycat Doll to sing the chorus and then taken the rather vile Mr Santos to start rapping about how he expects girls to dance for him whilst he shouts "You, you, you, yeah, you!" at them. Forget the Labour leadership contest being a damning indictment of women's rights, look no further than this crap and the sort of morons who buy it.
Rhianna - Te Amo (Def Jam)
Current album Rated R must be a real heap judging by the singles being released. First we get the pathetic Chris Brown baiting dirge Russian Roulette, then the filthy Rude Boy where the double entendre is about as cloaked as a naked rambler and now this tedious ballad where her nasty nasal vocals sound even more whiny than normal.
Lady Gaga - Alejandro (Interscope)
Talking of barrel scraping from dubious albums... This is the fifty eighth single from The Fame and its various Monster and Remix reincarnations. Its a boring ballad. Scott Mills actually reviewed it better than i possibly could - "If this was by Emma Bunton, you wouldn't care".
Terry Venables - If I Can Dream (Sony)
Best of the sparse collection of football singles around this year. Venables properly belts out this rousing anthem backed by a substantial orchestral arrangement.
Squad - Three Lions 2010 (Parlophone)
Jesus. Who decided there should be an awful cover version of Three Lions, with terrible sound effects and an inexplicable opera singer?
Train - Hey Soul Sister (Columbia)
Now here is 2010's most unexpected comeback. Train (who recorded the similarly slow-burning mainstay of daytime radio Drops of Jupiter in 2001) rely heavily on a ukelele to record this inoffensive, but lively track which builds nicely into the sort of pop song that American bands used to make for a pastime. It makes a really nice break from the over-produced and contentless gunk that tends to come from across the Atlantic at the moment.
Pretty Reckless - Makes Me Wanna Die (Interscope)
This boring fake emo record is made by a band whose lineup keeps changing except for their model frontwoman, which pretty much tells you all you need to know. Its very plastic and about as deep as a puddle.
Kelis - Acapella (Interscope)
Now this is a first - a Kelis record that i actually like. The latest incarnation of pop butterfly Kelis is a much more dancier and European-sounding than previously, having left behind the gimmicky and often formless output that she has produced in the past. Unsurprisingly, David Guetta was behind the production, but that production allows the vocals to shine really beautifully.
Kelly Rowlands featuring David Guetta - Commander (Universal)
If i was Guetta, i'd take my name off this project as it is proof he is overstretched at the moment. Think of all the abysmal songs made by American R&B artists about how much they love clubbing. This is worse. Its even worse than Play by Jennifer Lopez. It has no substance at all.
The Black Eyed Peas - Imma Be (Interscope)
Utter bollocks. Most of it is just Will.i.am repeating over and over "Amma be". Pointless drivel.
Robyn - Dancing On My Own (Konichiwa)
Robyn's ability to make modern pop music sound effortless is quite something. Whilst not sounding like anything else on her previous album, this feels familiar and is instantly recognisable both musically and vocally as Robyn's work. Its got more hooks in one song than most of the rest of the top ten put togehter.
Tinie Tempah featuring Labrinth - Frisky (Parlophone)
Now heres a thing; this sounds exactly like Tinie Tempah's last record, right down to the drum and bass bit at the end. If you liked the Pass Out, you'll like this as well. And you'll have a mental age of two to still be impressed by raps which are a charicature of any substance.
David Guetta, Chris Willis, Fergie and LMFAO - Gettin' Over You (Positiva / Virgin)
Guetta's work of late has been patchy and there is little doubt the guy is spreading himself too thinly, but this reworked gem from last years One Love album has been given a bit of an ADHD remix to make it appeal to daytime radio. Chris Willis' vocals are utterly brilliant as always.
Eminem - Not Afraid (Interscope)
Better than lead single from his previous album Crack A Bottle, but it still feels like Marshall is wallowing in a whole swamp of self pity. Obviously he needs to escape from everything to get some fresh inspiration, because theres nothing here to hold a candle to his earlier work.
Jason Derulo - Ridin' Solo (Warners)
Iyaz - Solo (Reprise)
Two reviews for the price of one here. Two JR Rotem songs, probably written concurrently. Iyaz whines tunelessly about not wanting to be S. O. L. O. whereas Derulo is delighted to be Ridin' Solo, which to me sounds like a song all about masturbation. Derulo's is the more listenable and inventive of the two, but they're both caked in enough autotune to sort out a Girls Aloud album.
Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart (J)
Try listening with bleeding ears.
Pixie Lott - Turn It Up (Mercury)
Turn it off. Alright, i'll elaborate; Pixie is busy telling her current squeeze that its over during the verses, then inexplicably heads off into a chorus of "Turn it up, Turn it up". Utter shit from a nasty production line in a country with a dreadful human rights record. Soulless.
Aggro Santos featuring Kimberly Wyatt (Future)
Now for the nastiest record around at the moment. Take a Kesha-esque bleepy background, add one Pussycat Doll to sing the chorus and then taken the rather vile Mr Santos to start rapping about how he expects girls to dance for him whilst he shouts "You, you, you, yeah, you!" at them. Forget the Labour leadership contest being a damning indictment of women's rights, look no further than this crap and the sort of morons who buy it.
Rhianna - Te Amo (Def Jam)
Current album Rated R must be a real heap judging by the singles being released. First we get the pathetic Chris Brown baiting dirge Russian Roulette, then the filthy Rude Boy where the double entendre is about as cloaked as a naked rambler and now this tedious ballad where her nasty nasal vocals sound even more whiny than normal.
Lady Gaga - Alejandro (Interscope)
Talking of barrel scraping from dubious albums... This is the fifty eighth single from The Fame and its various Monster and Remix reincarnations. Its a boring ballad. Scott Mills actually reviewed it better than i possibly could - "If this was by Emma Bunton, you wouldn't care".
Terry Venables - If I Can Dream (Sony)
Best of the sparse collection of football singles around this year. Venables properly belts out this rousing anthem backed by a substantial orchestral arrangement.
Squad - Three Lions 2010 (Parlophone)
Jesus. Who decided there should be an awful cover version of Three Lions, with terrible sound effects and an inexplicable opera singer?
Train - Hey Soul Sister (Columbia)
Now here is 2010's most unexpected comeback. Train (who recorded the similarly slow-burning mainstay of daytime radio Drops of Jupiter in 2001) rely heavily on a ukelele to record this inoffensive, but lively track which builds nicely into the sort of pop song that American bands used to make for a pastime. It makes a really nice break from the over-produced and contentless gunk that tends to come from across the Atlantic at the moment.
Pretty Reckless - Makes Me Wanna Die (Interscope)
This boring fake emo record is made by a band whose lineup keeps changing except for their model frontwoman, which pretty much tells you all you need to know. Its very plastic and about as deep as a puddle.
Kelis - Acapella (Interscope)
Now this is a first - a Kelis record that i actually like. The latest incarnation of pop butterfly Kelis is a much more dancier and European-sounding than previously, having left behind the gimmicky and often formless output that she has produced in the past. Unsurprisingly, David Guetta was behind the production, but that production allows the vocals to shine really beautifully.
Kelly Rowlands featuring David Guetta - Commander (Universal)
If i was Guetta, i'd take my name off this project as it is proof he is overstretched at the moment. Think of all the abysmal songs made by American R&B artists about how much they love clubbing. This is worse. Its even worse than Play by Jennifer Lopez. It has no substance at all.
The Black Eyed Peas - Imma Be (Interscope)
Utter bollocks. Most of it is just Will.i.am repeating over and over "Amma be". Pointless drivel.
Robyn - Dancing On My Own (Konichiwa)
Robyn's ability to make modern pop music sound effortless is quite something. Whilst not sounding like anything else on her previous album, this feels familiar and is instantly recognisable both musically and vocally as Robyn's work. Its got more hooks in one song than most of the rest of the top ten put togehter.
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
Tweedledum, Tweedledee and Tweedletwat
Yay. Big Brother 11. More people to make snap judgements upon!
Josie.
Oh joy, a rural Bristolian airhead. And if she's 25, i'm a member of Die Aertze.
Steve.
The ex-Army cripple. Who has eight children. Obviously that didn't get blown up. Do we need another token disabled winner? Perhaps a close view of a British Hero (phrase copyright Murdoch Media) might help dispell the blind worship that our flawed armed forces get.
Ad break. Featuring a car you can't buy.
Ben.
Looks like he's made of plastic. I suspect he's had some work done. Looks like he'd get murdered if he spent twenty minutes in Hartcliffe. Utter cock, the type Jarvis Cocker sang about.
Rachael.
The sort of woman who can be found falling out of any city centre bar in the small hours of Saturday morning. Self obsessed and unable to fully dress herself.
Nathan.
Looks a bit like Robson Green crossed with a Gallagher brother. Loves himself but actually appears to have some practical talent.
Ad break. Crap perfume, crappier celeb magazines and a mobile network nobody subscribes to.
Dave.
Hey hey, its a monk. He leads a religion which praises Christ by being pissed.
Caiomhe.
Come on, thats never a name. Surely she should be auditioning for Bromsgrove's Next Top Model rather than BB? Rebel without a clue.
Govan.
By looks, its the new Science! When he speaks, he's camper than a row of pink tents! Shame he's named after part of Glasgow, but pronounces it incorrectly.
Ad break. Steve Merchant attempts to sell me moneys. Weak film trail. Electronics. Antihystamines. And the fucking Crapple GashPad.
Shabby.
Now that really is not your name. I guarantee it doesn't say that on your birth certificate. Squatter art college twat. Get a fucking job and pay your way in society. I resent subsidising your existence if you're not going to do anything to enrich the world.
Ife.
Pronounced Iffy Cookoo. Sums it up really. Is a very successful dancer who clearly doesn't need more media exposure. How about some normal people instead of the last two stage school dropouts?
John.
Aussie who seems convinced that Britain is some strange new world and he's come to conquer the inept inhabitants. Like Mars or something.
Sunshine.
For fucks sake. Does anybody on this show have a sensible name?!? If she was trying to perform any kind of medical task on me, i'd ask for another doctor. I also couldn't trust anyone who willingly gave themself such a dumb name.
Corin.
Nice Germanic name, although spelt wrongly. Horrible plastic Jordan-alike face. Please can we have some vaguely normal people?
Ad Break. Didn't see what was being whored. Needed a piss.
Housemate Tombola feature. Nice idea. I suspect the random will have the best chance of winning. And the winner is...
Mario.
...is the Mole. Just like on Channel Five. With Glenn Hughill.
Another Ad Break. Smell like Fergie. Build a shed. Get drunk. Eat Cereal. Do Banking. Get drunk again. Eat biscuits.
And so, in conclusion: a couple of fairly normal gents and a lot of very extreme and freakish women. Can't we handle sensible, grounded women on reality TV or something?
Josie.
Oh joy, a rural Bristolian airhead. And if she's 25, i'm a member of Die Aertze.
Steve.
The ex-Army cripple. Who has eight children. Obviously that didn't get blown up. Do we need another token disabled winner? Perhaps a close view of a British Hero (phrase copyright Murdoch Media) might help dispell the blind worship that our flawed armed forces get.
Ad break. Featuring a car you can't buy.
Ben.
Looks like he's made of plastic. I suspect he's had some work done. Looks like he'd get murdered if he spent twenty minutes in Hartcliffe. Utter cock, the type Jarvis Cocker sang about.
Rachael.
The sort of woman who can be found falling out of any city centre bar in the small hours of Saturday morning. Self obsessed and unable to fully dress herself.
Nathan.
Looks a bit like Robson Green crossed with a Gallagher brother. Loves himself but actually appears to have some practical talent.
Ad break. Crap perfume, crappier celeb magazines and a mobile network nobody subscribes to.
Dave.
Hey hey, its a monk. He leads a religion which praises Christ by being pissed.
Caiomhe.
Come on, thats never a name. Surely she should be auditioning for Bromsgrove's Next Top Model rather than BB? Rebel without a clue.
Govan.
By looks, its the new Science! When he speaks, he's camper than a row of pink tents! Shame he's named after part of Glasgow, but pronounces it incorrectly.
Ad break. Steve Merchant attempts to sell me moneys. Weak film trail. Electronics. Antihystamines. And the fucking Crapple GashPad.
Shabby.
Now that really is not your name. I guarantee it doesn't say that on your birth certificate. Squatter art college twat. Get a fucking job and pay your way in society. I resent subsidising your existence if you're not going to do anything to enrich the world.
Ife.
Pronounced Iffy Cookoo. Sums it up really. Is a very successful dancer who clearly doesn't need more media exposure. How about some normal people instead of the last two stage school dropouts?
John.
Aussie who seems convinced that Britain is some strange new world and he's come to conquer the inept inhabitants. Like Mars or something.
Sunshine.
For fucks sake. Does anybody on this show have a sensible name?!? If she was trying to perform any kind of medical task on me, i'd ask for another doctor. I also couldn't trust anyone who willingly gave themself such a dumb name.
Corin.
Nice Germanic name, although spelt wrongly. Horrible plastic Jordan-alike face. Please can we have some vaguely normal people?
Ad Break. Didn't see what was being whored. Needed a piss.
Housemate Tombola feature. Nice idea. I suspect the random will have the best chance of winning. And the winner is...
Mario.
...is the Mole. Just like on Channel Five. With Glenn Hughill.
Another Ad Break. Smell like Fergie. Build a shed. Get drunk. Eat Cereal. Do Banking. Get drunk again. Eat biscuits.
And so, in conclusion: a couple of fairly normal gents and a lot of very extreme and freakish women. Can't we handle sensible, grounded women on reality TV or something?
Monday, 7 June 2010
The Horror of Aspiration
Apparently Apple have just launched some new gadget for idiots. Tablet computers (which have been around for over a decade) are the new hot shit on the block and as always, Apple have to rebrand them for a market ready to wet itself with excitement at something glossy. The media have widely reported the major shortcomings in the device itself (inability to multi-task, no support for Flash, fragile touch screen that will look awful after three months) and as always all the content available to the device is tied in to Apple's cash whore vending machine iTunes, but for a change, something else is irritating me...
You see, regularly spending a lot of my time in a major city centre is something which is becoming a more regular occurrence for me and the marketing campaign for the iPad has reached saturation. You can't pass a bus shelter without seeing some tedious activity being pictured, accompanied by some legs (in the obligatorily trendy Gap trousers or leggings) and feet (again, fashionable but bland ballet pumps or shitty daps you'd have laughed at eight years ago). One of these adverts in particular has jumped out at me - it contains a collection of photo albums with painfully aspirational covers - New York, Woodland Walk, Skiing, The Dog, yadda yadda. The pictures featured on the covers of these albums mostly feature children (presumably intended to be those of the user, and all painfully cutesy), with some featuring landmarks or landscapes. None of them feature the apparent user of the iPad. Perhaps they hate themselves too much for being sucked in by vacuous marketing.
So what conclusions can we draw from these observations? The Apple sanctioned, ideal iPad user is somebody who wears bland fashions, has a comfortable home life, takes lots of holidays and is probably spiritually completely unfulfilled and left empty by their existence. Meanwhile, i'm sat here writing this on my Samsung netbook which cost me about half of what an iPad would and does considerably more with no discernable disadvantage, but i'm obviously not aspirational enough to own one.
You see, regularly spending a lot of my time in a major city centre is something which is becoming a more regular occurrence for me and the marketing campaign for the iPad has reached saturation. You can't pass a bus shelter without seeing some tedious activity being pictured, accompanied by some legs (in the obligatorily trendy Gap trousers or leggings) and feet (again, fashionable but bland ballet pumps or shitty daps you'd have laughed at eight years ago). One of these adverts in particular has jumped out at me - it contains a collection of photo albums with painfully aspirational covers - New York, Woodland Walk, Skiing, The Dog, yadda yadda. The pictures featured on the covers of these albums mostly feature children (presumably intended to be those of the user, and all painfully cutesy), with some featuring landmarks or landscapes. None of them feature the apparent user of the iPad. Perhaps they hate themselves too much for being sucked in by vacuous marketing.
So what conclusions can we draw from these observations? The Apple sanctioned, ideal iPad user is somebody who wears bland fashions, has a comfortable home life, takes lots of holidays and is probably spiritually completely unfulfilled and left empty by their existence. Meanwhile, i'm sat here writing this on my Samsung netbook which cost me about half of what an iPad would and does considerably more with no discernable disadvantage, but i'm obviously not aspirational enough to own one.
Sunday, 2 May 2010
Full of Glee
I don't get the Glee craze at all. Maybe its because i'm a geriatric man in my thirties who treats all youth culture with disdain and cynicism, but i think its more likely its because it is mind-bendingly awful. With the start of their second series, their latest move in cash-in marketing is to start doing terrible cover versions of Madonna songs, with plastic backing tracks and even more plastic stage school vocals. This follows two equally mind-numbing albums from the first series which featured songs by a variety of artists similarly murdered.
I think the biggest problem here is that it doesn't seem to be reaching saturation point, despite the fact they've knocked out three albums within six months and another will follow later this month. No other phenomenon has ever managed to flog this much shit in such a short time, which i think is an indication of how hype rather than substance is the most important factor to the iPod generation. Glee is a marketing system and nothing else - scripts are produced by battery farmed writers and filmed in a similar way, the TV show promotes the music that you can buy on iTunes as soon as its over, the DVD sets are released as soon as the series finishes and the idiots who are sucked in by it will go out and buy the hoodies, t-shirts, stationery and accessories that go with it. The whole thing just stinks of breeding a new generation of hyperconsumers.
I think the biggest problem here is that it doesn't seem to be reaching saturation point, despite the fact they've knocked out three albums within six months and another will follow later this month. No other phenomenon has ever managed to flog this much shit in such a short time, which i think is an indication of how hype rather than substance is the most important factor to the iPod generation. Glee is a marketing system and nothing else - scripts are produced by battery farmed writers and filmed in a similar way, the TV show promotes the music that you can buy on iTunes as soon as its over, the DVD sets are released as soon as the series finishes and the idiots who are sucked in by it will go out and buy the hoodies, t-shirts, stationery and accessories that go with it. The whole thing just stinks of breeding a new generation of hyperconsumers.
The Real Forced Jollity
Two years ago the NME delivered a review of the Guillemots second album Red. The lead single from it was Get Over It, which they accused of being an exercise in "forced jollity". Now i've always thought it was rather unfair and since lead singer Fyfe Dangerfield has released his solo material, it has gone some way to proving that the jollity was genuine.
Anyway, this review was recently brought back to my memory when i heard the new single by grime goons Roll Deep. Up to this point, Roll Deep's previous chart success had been two singles - The Avenue and Shake A Leg, both released in 2005 and neither of which set the world alight. Nevertheless, Roll Deep member Wiley was quite happy to quote them both as past achievements in his December 2009 single Take That.
Now obviously the grime scene has become massively commercialised since Dizzee Rascal realised he could make some serious cash from it and Roll Deep have been the latest act to capitalise with their weak-as-piss offering Good Times. Songs about clubbing and partying are two-a-penny at the moment, each seemingly less genuine than the last. If Kesha isn't telling us about how she parties until the "Po Po" shuts her down, then its the Black Eyed Peas are sounding bored whilst promoting alcoholism as a lifestyle.
Perhaps its because i'm more tuned in to British productions, but Roll Deep sound as if they're just milking this craze for all its worth. Any session music writer could manufacture this sort of junk, just throw in a few lines about clubbing, some about drinking, a few more about girls looking well fine, a chorus about having a great party and you've got a hit record. Any idiot can do it, and for the moment it looks like they are.
Anyway, this review was recently brought back to my memory when i heard the new single by grime goons Roll Deep. Up to this point, Roll Deep's previous chart success had been two singles - The Avenue and Shake A Leg, both released in 2005 and neither of which set the world alight. Nevertheless, Roll Deep member Wiley was quite happy to quote them both as past achievements in his December 2009 single Take That.
Now obviously the grime scene has become massively commercialised since Dizzee Rascal realised he could make some serious cash from it and Roll Deep have been the latest act to capitalise with their weak-as-piss offering Good Times. Songs about clubbing and partying are two-a-penny at the moment, each seemingly less genuine than the last. If Kesha isn't telling us about how she parties until the "Po Po" shuts her down, then its the Black Eyed Peas are sounding bored whilst promoting alcoholism as a lifestyle.
Perhaps its because i'm more tuned in to British productions, but Roll Deep sound as if they're just milking this craze for all its worth. Any session music writer could manufacture this sort of junk, just throw in a few lines about clubbing, some about drinking, a few more about girls looking well fine, a chorus about having a great party and you've got a hit record. Any idiot can do it, and for the moment it looks like they are.
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