THE TURDS ON A STICK for 2010

WORST RECORD OF THE YEAR: Jessie J - Do It Like A Dude
Cringeworthy, crass, white girl rap. Apparently Jessie J is the "Sound of 2011". If thats the case, then i want to go deaf before the end of January. This record is a true abomination of simple human decency because it celebrates all the traditional traits of male aggression by saying its fine as long as its women being aggressive. The painful truth is that is a sad indictment of British society however you look at it, whether its males being cock-driven morons or women trying to ape them. Having a record to celebrate this does nothing that should be commended.

Runner Up: Ellie Goulding - Your Song
This is a perfect example of how to resurrect a dying career. Eight months after all the hype surrounding Ellie Goulding being the Sound of 2010 has died off, she was left staring at obscurity until some bright spark at the record company had an idea - why not record a predictable swoopy acoustic cover of an Elton John song? The bundle it on the flopped Lights album to try and boost the sales of that? This is despite the fact that this couldn't be further from the music which got her all the critical attention in the first place. In terms of selling out, you couldn't get any more sold. Then of course, we'll get the song used on a Christmas advert and laugh all the way to the bank....

HEARTSINK ARTIST OF THE YEAR: Rihanna
I honestly thought the British public had got over the Rihanna craze once the hype eventually died down from the Good Girl Gone Bad album, but after the relative failure of Rated R, she has returned with a new album which seems to be entirely made of radio-friendly songs about sex, which is truly dispicable. The lyrical content of tracks like Rudeboy, Hard and Whats My Name are just vile. There have been artists who have recorded songs with thinly veiled meanings in the past, but none are as blatantly crass as a single verse of Rudeboy. If Britain wants to be outraged about children being exposed to explicit sexual material, then Rihanna should be held up as the worst offender. Perhaps her earnings should be offset against the cost of catering to the social needs of Britains teenage parents.

WORST BROADCASTER OF THE YEAR: Steve Wright (BBC Radio 2)
Also a frontrunner in the Biggest Head category, Radio 2's lumbering dinosaur and his "Big Show" are becoming an embarassment. Nobody can deny the fact that Wright is still doing the same show he was doing on Radio 1 in the early 90s, just with the characters replaced by the Factoids. Ahh yes, the Craptoids. The raison d'etre for a feature like this should be that it runs for a minute or so before the audience gets bored and preferably it should have some entertainment value. Steve Wright's version has neither of these aspects - the feature feels like it goes on for hours and is painfully dull.

MOST STUPID EARWORM OF THE YEAR: Cheryl Cole - Promise This
I've never really understood the appeal of Cheryl Cole's brand of tedium-pop, and this vaguely half-decent song was totally ruined by the tribal styled chanting of "Alouetta-etta-etta" which was only included to make the song appeal to three year olds and their mental equivalents. 2010 was hopefully the year at which this earworm mania reached its peak, what with Taio Cruz (ai-o-galileo on Dynamite), Katy Perry (the California Girls lyric replacement programme for when you're bored of writing proper words) and the utterly vile Willow Smith (Whipping her hair back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth).

THE APPLE AWARD FOR SERVICES TO KILL THE MUSIC INDUSTRY: Jay-Z
If there is one person who seems to be completely creatively spent, it is Jay-Z. None of his output as an artist, producer or puppet master in the past eighteen months has shown any spark of inspiration, just a lame retreading of previous works. We can only take so much lazy, repetitive lyrical work about how fantastic it is to be Jay-Z and as rich as Bill Gates. In signing "artists" like Willow Smith and recording heavily autotune-laden tracks with choruses made from a single line repeated over and over and over and over and over until they stick in your brain like a crack addict's craving.