The Importance of Yabsley

Something is bothering me, which tends to be the normal cue to write something on this blog. I’ve noticed before when Steve Yabsley (BBC Bristol / Somerset 12-2 Mon-Fri) is on holiday that I struggle to find anything at all worth listening to on the radio. The dismal Kate Justice who regularly sits in for him seems to be capable of no conversation beyond her own children. Jeremy Vine’s audio slanging match on Radio 2 is hideous, I can’t listen to Fearne Cotton on Radio 1 without wanting to rip my own ears off and none of our local commercial stations can manage anything beyond the usual collection of chart dross, adverts and promo trails for pissweak competitions.

Then I start wondering whether the problem lies in other places. Certainly late night broadcasting is weak, offering nothing with any personality. BBC Radio 1 and 2 use the space for specialist shows aimed mostly at iPlayer listeners and commercial locals will be either on Late Night Love or Party Classics. Either will be dire. I’ve blogged many times about the loss of late night zoo style radio, but now the “twenty shades of beige” seems to be spreading to daytimes. Aside from breakfast, there is precious little I find to be an appointment to listen, whereas I could quite happily listen to one of about six breakfast shows daily without any problem. It feels as if British radio is putting all of its effort and personality in to four hours between 6 and 10 with nothing creatively left for the rest of the day.

I suppose the problem has been slightly alleviated by the recent move of Scott Mills to Radio 1 daytimes. Much as I don’t mind Greg James, I’ve regularly found myself turning over to recordings when his show is on. I’m not sure what it is that doesn’t quite gel about the show, perhaps it is the fake lack of confidence in content or new features (something which Dev milks to eyewateringly awful levels). The afternoon show felt genuinely delightful when Chris Moyles covered for a couple of days two weeks ago. Freed from the cage and crew of the breakfast show, Moyles sounded like a newly invigorated man who was having the most fun he’d had in the past five years. I do hope the BBC bosses were taking note that he isn’t a one trick pony, nor is he creatively spent, nor does he have to rely on having a crowd of people around him.

So what of the "Importance of Yabsley"? Well, Steve is about the only person i can find who is trying to inject some personality into daytime radio at the moment and the fact that he's spent most of the past eighteen months worrying that the BBC Local Radio cuts will cost him his job seem criminally wrong to me when he is doing something genuinely different on local radio.

Radio for people who hate thinking for themselves

Don't get me wrong, there have been some marvellous pop songs over the years. The problem i have with one particular broadcaster is that they only have a playlist of fifty of them.

Global Radio's "Hot Adult Contemporary" broadcasting arm is commonly known as Heart. One of their gormless slogans is "More Music Variety", which i think is supposed to be ironic. Sadly my workplace has certain areas where Heart can be heard 24/7 which means whenever you need to hear a song by Adele, you can always do it. If its not Adele, it is Kelly Clarkson's current carbon copy of Bruno Mars' "Just The Way You Are" (a Heart staple last year) which is titled "Mr Know-it-all". And if not that, Christina Perri and her wailing "Jar of Farts".

I lost it today during the barrel-scrapingly awful "Time Tunnel" guess-the-year feature, pioneered by Noel Edmonds and Simon Bates on Radio 1 and now copied by every creativity free ILR station in the country. The same six safe, tedious records from each year get trotted out each time. Perhaps it'll be George Michael's "Careless Whisper". Maybe we'll be treated to "Finally" by CeCe Peniston. Or how about another spin of Giorgio Moroder's "Together in Electric Dreams" with Phil Oakey out of off of the Human League. On their own, some of these records are bearable, but I just cannot percieve a point in my life where i would ever want to listen to such a boringly thin playlist. The output of Heart genuinely makes Radio 2's music selection seem edgy and challenging.

Then i start ranting, sometimes even out loud. I'll often comment that "Heart is radio for people who hate music", which i firmly stand by and nobody ever challenges me. It just seems to exist as a conduit for beige audio wallpaper, occasionally punctuated by Toby Anstis plugging some shithouse of a quiz where you have to guess the celebrity talking. You know, like EVERY other ILR has done since time immemorial. And of course the commercials, for the same eight products and services that the commercial department have convinced the managers thereof to purchase airtime.

Heart provides nothing to British radio. They've swallowed up over a dozen locally managed stations, some of which were better than others but they all had an identity that people in the region could understand and relate to. In their place they have provided a tedious, repetitive parade of weak features, repetitive commercials and bland presenters for people who have tedious, repetitive lives that they just want to get over as quickly as possible. So maybe i was wrong about Heart being for people who hate music; perhaps they hate life entirely.

Creative Excellency

So what do i actually rate at the moment? Well, i've been shopping recently and bought heaps of albums and compilations. Here are some highlights:

Chromeo - "Don't Turn On The Lights" (Aeroplane Remix) is a marvellous slice of deep dish disco.
A Brand - "For Blood" is the first track on their "Future You" album which is dark, broody and hooky arthouse indie pop.
C-Mon & Kypski have released a best-of album, "From Scratch til the Fat Lady Sings" which is a great collection of funky hip hop beats that'll probably get ripped off by every talentless R&B tosser over the next five years.
Das Pop's album of last year "The Game" isn't as immediately accessible as their preceeding eponymous album, but they have demonstrated a development of their wonky pop sound to include new influences, notably the late 70s transitional period of rock music. Standout tracks are "Skip The Rope" and "I Me Mine".
School is Cool have just released their debut album "Entropology", which adds energy to the wave of new tech savvy guitar bands threatening to break through with strong traditional songwriting.
Whilst i'm not a huge fan of all of the work of Skrillex, the track "Bangarang" is excellent being free from the po-faced twattery demonstrated on "Breakin' A Sweat".
Just to prove that all hip hop doesn't have to be a pale rip off of somebody else's work, Undefined's album "Crimes Against Logic" shows a talent for constructing classic rap tracks that is rarely demonstrated these days. The opening title track is particularly excellent.
M83's dreamy marvel "Midnight City" is a sweet wall of classic pop sounds.
A couple of top finds on Studio Brussel's excellent Switch compilations are twisted marvels "Handbraekes" by Riho, which is a lively, rhythmic collection of tortured bleeps and abstract effects and "Tetris" by Doctor P, a cover of the music from the Nintendo GameBoy given a hilarious speed Dubstep makeover.

So who says i'm not positive every so often...?

Creative Bankruptcy

Nobody wants to admit it, but some of the world's biggest artists are completely creatively spent and they're fully aware of their predicament. How do they rectify this? By ripping off underground and foreign artists hook, line, sinker and copy of Angling Times.

Until recently, i hadn't been aware of the Major Lazer tech-dancehall track "Pon de Floor", but i guarantee that 95% plus of the people who hear it would say it was Beyonce's 2011 hit "Run The World (Girls)". Producers Switch and Diplo collaborated with Vybz Kartel on the track in 2009 and it was a high profile hit on the dancehall scene, although attracted little in the way of mainstream attention.

Now i'm fully aware that sampling is an accepted part of the modern music industry and some really inventive cover-remix hybrid tracks have been produced over the past decade, but Beyonce's wholesale theft of the Major Lazer track is shameful, especially as she couldn't add anything aside from her asinine, rhythmless warbling vocal. Total effort made? A couple of hours at most. The only saving grace is that Beyonce's version was re-produced by Switch and Diplo.

But this new age of plagiarism isn't just an American phenomenon. Ben "Plan B" Drew recently started airing "Ill Manors", the first musical offering from his forthcoming film of the same name. To say it is not an original composition would be an understatement - the music on the track is lifted wholesale from Peter Fox's 2008 German language hit "Alles Neu" (Everything is New). Fox first found mainstream success as part of dancehall act Seeed, then moving on to record his own massively successful solo album "Stadtaffe" (City Ape).

Drew has added little to the original instrumental save for some crappy broken dubstep beats. The lyrics are far more inventive than Beyonce managed, harking back to Drew's pre-Stickland Banks rap album "Who Needs Actions When You Got Words", but to anybody who knows Peter Fox's broodier and far more menacing original, the words don't matter because its a pale immitation of a great original.

It comes as a sad day when the likes of Nicki Minaj and her ADHD lyric style over some weak sampling of early 90s european hardcore dance isn't as repugnant as it should be. Her latest single "Starships" is just one long collection of disjointed sounds and a complete mess. It'll probably be a huge success.

THE JOPI AWARDS FOR 2011

And unlike some lesser awards shows, these are given for and therefore named after the year in which the work was done rather than the year we're six weeks in to.

SONG OF THE YEAR: All The Young - Welcome Home
Despite what Radio 1's playlisters would have you believe whilst playlisting yet another American college band, Great British Rock and Roll isn't dead. This swirling, rousing six minute epic takes what could be an run of the mill indie song and builds a gorgeously glamourous celebration of the people of the Midlands - their hopes, dreams, aspirations and most importantly their reality. With their album of the same title due for release in April 2012, this could be a massive year for the band.
Also of worthwhile mention... was Swede Mason's Masterchef Synaesthesia, which could easily have won this category. Most novelty records get tiresome very quickly, but i can still quite happily listen to this six months later. The use of the music to work around and built up the edits and clips available is absolute genius.

SINGLE OF THE YEAR: Ed Sheeran - You Need Me, I Don't Need You
Despite the fact it takes the detective skills of Sherlock Holmes to find a copy, this CD single is excellent. The radio version is by far the best song from Sheeran's + album, demonstrating that the lad can let rip with his emotions when needs be and the collection of versions and mixes takes it in all sorts of different directions. The live version is beautifully raw, showcasing the talent that has propelled Sheeran into the limelight. Wretch 32 and Devlin guest on an alterative take of the original which works well. The two remixes both take a dubstep-tinged tint on the track, but neither feel as though they reach their logical conclusion.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR: Kitsune Maison 9
Yes i know it came out in April 2010, but regular readers of this should know i'm almost permanently a year behind with albums. 2011 to me was a dismal year for artist albums, possibly in proportion to my lack of trips to continental Europe, but regardless of that there were very few artists who grabbed my attention sufficiently that i'd want to buy an album. This was the best of those i did buy on CD, almost without doubt the best of the excellent Kitsune compilations to date. The bar is set ridiculously high by the sumptuous opener "Belong" by Washed Out, the perfect anthem to a late summer afternoon with really inventive production. Other highlights are the divine "Stop and Stare" by Fenech Soler and offerings from Yuksek, Penguin Prison and a marvellous remix by Twelves of Two Door Cinema Club.

RADIO STATION OF THE YEAR: Studio Brussel (Belgium)
Despite the fact that the station is getting a little heavyhanded with their daytime power playlist of songs which will appear at least every three hours, StuBru is still the most reliable offering out there.

MUSIC RADIO SHOW OF THE YEAR: Kissy Sell Out (BBC Radio 1)
A year or so back, Radio 1 rehashed their Friday night dance line up to include a show called "Annie Mac's Mash Up" which was heavily promoted with a theme of "there are no rules, we mash the music up". In reality, the show was terrible and played a narrower window of music than most other specialist shows. Kissy Sell Out's two hours of Thursday night lunacy are the complete opposite. The guy has the talent to be able to mix practically anything together and make it work like they were made for each other. Kissy's Duracell-bunny like enthusiasm is very infectious and utterly marvellous.

FACTUAL RADIO SHOW OF THE YEAR: The Museum of Curiosity (BBC Radio 4)
I'm not sure it should be in the factual category, but The Museum of Curiosity is a fine place to learn about a topic that you otherwise probably wouldn't know of. The premise is that three guests each week contribute an exhibit to the museum and wax lyrical about their donation. This being an entirely abstract museum means that anything at all can go in there from people to concepts to items, there are no rules. Normally this sort of thing would just sound like a badly organised shambles, but with the expertise of QI creator John Lloyd at the helm the show glides along beautifully.

COMEDY RADIO SHOW OF THE YEAR: It's Your Round (BBC Radio 4)
This poorly scheduled panel game gives Angus Deayton the opportunity to remind us just how good he is at presenting this genre. The premise is delightfully simple - panel guests each bring along a game to play on air and it works marvellously well. Even the rounds that don't work attract acerbic criticism from Deayton which makes for good entertainment.

BROADCASTER OF THE YEAR: Steve Yabsley (BBC Radio Bristol / Somerset)
I've judged this category this year on the basis of whom i miss the most when they're not on air. Perhaps the measure of a good broadcaster should be how irritated you are when they're on holiday. I don't know if its the choice of stand-in, but i cannot abide Yabbo's absence. Steve's well developed format of listener contribution, zany topics and entertaining sidekicks sits well with the offbeat interviews on each show and is a relief from the station's morning diet of angry people phoning in to complain about things and the desperate hand-wringing tone of
isn't this awful? going on. The thankfully shelved BBC cutbacks to local radio would have seen shows like this taken away in favour of the worthy but often depressing local interest stories, which would have resulted in stations like Radio Bristol being all misery and no play. The cuts would have also seen the end of the similarly delightful afternoon show with Elise Rayner.

LIVE ACT OF THE YEAR: Digitalism
Without doubt the most stark assault my senses have been subjected to all year, the sounds and lights of the Digitalism epic spectacle gives a good kicking to the theory that all we want to see these days are indentikit solo artists.

MUSIC RETAILER OF THE YEAR: Acorn Music, Yeovil
Given that my visits to record shops during 2011 were probably in single figures and i flatly refuse to recognise the GAMES, ELECTRONICS, PHONES, DVD and occasional CD retailer HMV as a music retailer any longer, i probably found a visit to Acorn the most rewarding this year. They've now diversified in to providing sheet music, whilst still retaining their core business and one can only hope this provides them with enough success to remain in business in these massively difficult times. As an aside, i've already been to three record shops in 2012 which would have won the category...

HOPE FOR 2012...
Two main hopes - firstly that All The Young's album will be as awesome as it deserves to be and that Swede Mason will come up with another barnstormer. Others mainly revolve around the extermination of the career of Pixie Lott...

The Winterval Personnel

There used to be a time when the bit between Christmas and New Year would be a sneak preview of those radio disc-spinners who were about to graduate through to the big time and it wasn't that long ago. Sadly this year has just been a bit of a disappointment. I'll put it down to Christmas Day being on a Sunday which has left us with a distinct week between Christmas and New Years.

Dev has taken over the Radio 1 breakfast show for this week and i think its finally clicked what i find disingenuous about him. For the most part, he pretends to be a bit of a geek and avoids most of the too-cool-for-school cliches that afflict some of the Radio 1 roster, but then we'll get to a feature like the resident DJ where a listener will come on an pick singles from a specific pigeonhole. Today is One Hit Wonder Wednesday. The listener chose "Turtle Power" by Partners in Kryme, which i've got to admit i haven't heard for well over a decade and in all truth it doesn't stand up badly. Meanwhile Dev is busy ripping in to the caller, the song and saying how he thinks it'll bomb, then interrupts it half way through to say he's going to finish playing it because it has received such a good reaction on the texts. So the geek without preconceptions suddenly becomes ubercool when music is involved, and its not the first time. If you're going to play a character on the air, then you've got to follow through and not have breaks in the armour otherwise the whole thing sounds like a bad ILR.

Edith Bowman is covering for Fearne Cotton. Sorry, that should read "Edith Bowman's Show About Films". For the 90% of us who aren't obsessed with being at the cinema 24/7, nor fawning over Hollywood's most overpaid (and often undertalented), Bowman's show is interminable. And i genuinely like Edith as a presenter, its just the whole format of the Films show is painfully restrictive.

Huw Stephens is about the only future star i can see from the daytime line up. His weekend afternoon show is excellent and his enthusiasm for music always comes across as sincere. He'd make far more sense presenting the weekday morning show than Fearne Cotton does.

I've also heard some of Ryan Tubridy in for Ken Bruce on Radio 2. It doesn't really move me either way, which is probably exactly when Radio 2 is looking for - new voices to the station either have to be somebody interminably bland or somebody off the telly.

No More Christmas Singles

As Spitting Image once sang "No more christmas singles/ They're worse than any war/ If we hear Aled Jones again/ We'll throw up on the floor". Well it looks like they've got their wish. The good old age of the novelty christmas single is dead, as are novelty singles in their entirety if the charts of the past two years are anything to go by. What we have now is a watered down collection of stupid earworm noises looped to infinity by producers who are laughing at anyone dumb enough to buy them. Oh yes, and Rihanna singing about sex.

Anyway, some song reviews?

Katy Perry - The One That Got Away
I'll be honest. I wasn't that averse to some of the songs from Perry's first album, but this fifth single off the awful Teenage Dream album is painful. To my mind, there is something unsettling with how her songs are full of thin innuendo and fake memories of oh-so-perfect teenage years that never really happened for anyone except Danny Baker. Her videos are even worse, an open begging letter for censorship if ever there was one. And this song... Pffft. Just another collection of fake late-teenage memories from some syruppy movie.

The Only Way Is Essex - Last Christmas
Is that autotune i hear? Oh, it is. It is a pointless, cash in cover version? Affirmative. Is there any reason why anyone not requiring sectioning under the mental health act would want to listen to it? Not unless they were reviewing it.

Arianna Morgan - Songbird
Its a ten year old covering a Fleetwood Mac song. Just imagine how painful that would be unless you're a 58 year old reader of the Daily Mail.

T-Pain & Lily Allen - Five o'Clock
I should really have started this post off with something more positive, shouldn't i? I mean, i'm just sounding like a miserable, jaded old git with nothing better to do that post hatred about modern music. I blame Nero. ANYWAY. Down to business. Take around eight lines from a Lily Allen song, loop until more stale than a ten week old Kwik Save loaf, add some fucking abysmal autotune rap from Mr Pain (never has a name been more appropriate - i think his first name might be Tristram) and stretch the whole sorry shithouse out to about an hour. Or maybe it just feels like that. One of the worst records ever.

The Collective - Teardrop
We're supposed to be upbeat and positive about charity singles, no matter how awful, aren't we? The Collective are various young and happening urban types from south London (and Ms Dynamite off of the 90s) rapping about how we "shud be finkin'" about what we do and being mindful of others. I've never heard human emotion being described in such stunted terms. If this is the best you lot could do, then just don't bother next year. It ruins a perfectly good original song with lots of posturing and fake bravado.

The Wombles - Wombling Merry Christmas
Jesus. Has Mike Batt run out of pension or something?

Caution: Next one a bit political.

Military Wives Choir - You know what? I really don't care what its called.
Your husband / boyfriend / FWB joined the army. They should have known at some point there was a fairly good chance they were going to get shot at someday. They could have just taken a job in a bakery. Every corner i turn at the moment there seems to be some Help for Heroes tat or collection of drunks toasting R BWAVE BOYZ and not yet has anyone demonstrated or explained to me why they deserve my sympathy. Yet another charity record is unlikely to do so.

Dirty Mavis - Stop the HS2
Its a record campaiging against building a railway line. I wonder if they're on Ford Records, Vauxhall Records, Toyota Records....?